A Few Things To Say....

Something that made me happy in the last 24 hours:~

Colin. A member of St. John in Kent, though he is working with LINKs while he studies with our Uni. Oh my life he had me and my colleague in absolute stitches, I don’t know when I have met someone as funny or easy to talk to. From his genuinely interesting life, to his ability to do a fair few impressions of peoples accents; he is a genuine funny and nice guy ~ but never in my life will I look at oral sex in the same way again!!!

Sharing a Bit of Knowledge!

This is a little gem for anyone, who like me loves to send her mobile/cell phone for a swim! Yes we have all been there, not always on purpose; but we that have done this learn that phones and water do not mix!! So here’s a little tip; if your phone has been for a swim… turn it off and find an airtight container. And some rice. Now it does not matter what type or colour; just that it is dry stuff. Place phone in airtight container, fill with the dry rice and seal the container. Leave it for, ideally 48 or 72 hours; though 24 should do the trick. You should now have a fully working phone again!!!

Just to Say....

Watch this space ~ more blogs will be coming asap!!!


Check This Out....

Fanfic Tastic! CSI Miami...

My Dearest H,

I never thought this moment would come, never thought I would be able to say the words I longed to say. That day seems so long ago, but yet; it still feels so raw… I am sure it does for you also.

When you came to my rescue that terrible day, you must have just felt like it was your job; yet how quickly things changed. To have lost one member of your team is bad enough, but two must have hurt you deeply; now I see why or rather how you could understand so well how I was feeling… you were feeling it too weren't you?

I never did get to thank you for saving my life twice that day; you really were my hero on more than one occasion. I do not know if I would have given up had you not been there, I know you always said I was far stronger than I knew; but I still do not know what would have happened had you not been there.

As the months went by all I could think of was you and those beautiful blue eyes, I could not explain it; I tried to rationalise it… but you were all I kept coming back to. Your kindness and warmth meant so much to me, and right at a time when I needed it most.

It took me forever to call you, and even longer to get the confidence to ask you out. I can still see the look on your usually emotionless face; it was like you had never been asked out before. I must admit the silence was not what I expected, nor was the coolness of your reply. But I do understand now, I know why you would not let me jump right in.

It must have taken so much for you to let me in, to tell me your past. I hope that I conveyed all that I truly meant that night, I knew it would not be an easy ride; but with your arms around me I knew I would never regret falling.

And I don’t, nor will I ever regret falling. You make the days seem easier, and the nights oh so longer when we are together. I know that I shall always have your heart, and am sure that you know you shall always have mine too.

I will always feel save, and be protected when I am with you; my dear sweet beautiful H.

In closing, thank you for the past 12 months; and here’s to the next years. I cannot wait to spend them with you my darling husband to be, I know they will be the best years of our lives.

Always Yours
Alexandra xxx

The Crap from Hell....

I feel so bloody useless.

You don’t realise just how much you rely upon your hands ~ and to a lesser extent; feet ~ until you lose the use of them. Okay so I know ~ well, hope it will only be temporary; but it is still a scary thing to have to face.

Especially when you are used to being the “strong” one. I am always the one they ask to help with the heavy shopping; I am always the one they go to when they have a tough jar or tin to open; now I just feel weak as a kitten!

As someone who uses their hands a lot, as a writer and within my St. John work; the prospects of not being able to do the things I love is overly hard for me to deal with.

Even things you take for granted every day like eating and going to the toilet, are problematic ~ do you know how hard it is to cut up a stake with the wrong hand? Or wash after you’ve been to the loo?

Usually this would not be a problem, I’d ask my folks to help me out and spend a few days resting it etc. but things are not normal at the minute are they? Nope, we have the cousin staying!!! I have realised that I really do NOT play well with others!! And if you add the stress to when I am not feeling too good; it all makes for a very nasty Nicky!

Now don’t get me wrong I love my cousin, I really do… I just cannot live with her! And I know that sounds bad too, it isn’t meant to. It is just that our house is so small and we are all in each others faces… well, that and the fact she is such a lazy mare!! And totally indecisive over everything, even chocolate bars!!!

I have struggled to get through these past six weeks, and in truth I have failed badly. Dad has the scars on his arm still to prove how angry I can get, I am sure the neighbours have gotten used to my “moments” but I doubt my cousin will… still didn’t make her want to run for the hills though.

I don’t want to be angry, petty or nasty; but I really have had the most awful trouble coping with it all. Which has been made all the worse because I am in pain with my hands, feet; and various others bits that need to be thrown in the bin!!!

Today is Monday 19^th March; she has finally gone to another lady’s for a few days… she shall be back Friday when my Dad will tell her she has to be gone by the end of April… hopefully only staying with us Friday and Saturday. However, I am sceptical of this actually working; but then that is me ~ and I know that life has a way of biting you in the ass when you least need it too!!

Lord only knows I need this free time, let’s hope I can get some calm rest between now and Friday!

Men! You're ALL the Bucking Same!!!

Men! You're ALL the Bucking Same!!!:

'via Blog this'

I’ve been going over this in my mind again and again, have been thinking about how to write this for ages. I wish I knew where to start, wish I could be clinically like I can with most other things in my life. My life is shit; I am tired of how it has been treating me. Maybe I deserve it, they do say you get what you give don’t they; well maybe I deserve this crap?

Maybe I have asked for this, turning myself into something I am not; then expecting life to treat me better. Perhaps I am being punished for how I treated people in my past, lord only knows I have not always been as nice as I could have been! There was Phil, who I hurt because I was not able to handle my feelings for someone else and his inexperienced ways. And I know I hurt Scott deeply too, god rest his soul ~ how I miss that man, biggest regret of my life!

I could have been nicer, better and kinder; I am sure. But putting aside all that, I am not a bad person. I would do anything for anyone, I am kind. And honest, and loyal; and loving. Maybe this is my problem? Maybe life does not like nice people; maybe this is how it is meant to be? Yes part of these things I am feeling is from being turned down, again; but it is more than that. Everything has gotten on top of me of late, if it isn’t my love life; it is my health. If it isn’t family problems, it is political problems… it all has this nasty habit of fucking up my life, and making me wish I had an end to it all. And the sad thing is, I don’t know if I could change much of it even if I tried. I mean how on earth will I ever be able to compete with those girls you see on Geordie Shore or in TOWIE? And let’s be honest, when you look like them girls; girls like me (fat, ugly and stupid ones) will never ever get a look in.

I knew long before most other people I would never be worth much when it came to looks and love etc. I am great, believe me I think/know that I am; but I will never be good enough for some Greek Adonis ~ that just isn’t how things work for me or my life, and that’s not putting myself down; it is just me being honest and realistic! No matter how great my personality, without lots of money; I shall never look like them girls guys go wild for. I know not all men go for that, but the only thing I make is a great friend… that or a good fuck ~ and now that part of my life is over; there does not seem much open to me anymore! Now I know you will all think I am just on a downer and exaggerating, but I have lived with myself far longer than the majority of you have known me. I know me, I know my life; and I know how it works and will end for me. And believe me when I say, I know that it will not end well for little ol’ me!

Truth is I cannot blame being turned down twice for these feelings, it is more than that; this has been coming for a long time. Far too much is wrong, and far too many people think they are helping and know best… I hate feeling the way I do, I hate being alone; I hate my depression and the lack of confidence that plagues me so much. Even when I try to be brave & approach people, I get it wrong; it has never worked out ~ I am never enough and always get the “I’m not interested” line! Well, either that or the “let’s fuck & nothing else” kinda guys! Both depress me even more than being alone does, it is always the same old story ~ and let me tell you; none of that bodes well for me and my future! Yes, it is true; my lot is certainly not a happy one ~ which is why I feel like the only way forward is if I close my heart to everything and everyone… maybe the best way is to hate all; that way I can know what to expect right?

Let’s face it, there are far too many examples of the shit I have had to deal with; hell I could write a book about it all ~ now there’s an idea! Not sure all my “ex’s” (and I use that term loosely, there have not been many of them have there now?) could deal with being part of a book; maybe it has something to do with a guilty conscious? Not all have been that bad; just that none have really bothered to stick around and see the real me… Truth is, I know that I give out the wrong impression; I know I do not always help myself ~ but let’s be honest here, you guys are all the same anyway; so what’s the point really? You all think with your dicks, that is all you want from any girl; it fuels you and all that you do. So when that is the last thing you want, or can do; it clearly leaves a huge problem to deal with doesn’t it? I mean, what else are you guys going to see in me? Because you sure as hell don’t see my kind, caring nature; or my loving and loyal personality do you?

All you see is the flirty, bubbly girl you want to fuck and forget; or the best friend you can share you deepest, darkest secrets to and never think any more about... I am not your potential girlfriend, or a possible wife; I am there for you to use and abuse ~ that is all I shall ever be! And you know the worse thing about all of that? I am stupid enough to allow you to do that to me, I let you treat me like this! Even when I try to change the way you guys think, you still see me as a nothing or no one kinda girl. Take the two single guys I have tried to get to know, I have things in common with both. I am not after their money or position in life; I just simply wanted to get to know both better… no strings or promises, just to see how I got on with them. I am fed up of a million and one “do-gooders” telling me that “I’ll be okay;” and “I’ll meet someone…” Trust me on this one, I won’t; and it will not happen ~ ever! Deal with it, because that’s what I am having to do!!

As much as I know the majority of my friends, care about me and have my best interests at heart; but please believe me when I say that I know what I am talking about. No I am not going to be okay, no I am not going to find someone; this is my reality and how my life will end. And it isn’t about having faith or belief in myself, it isn’t about putting myself down either; it is purely me being totally honest ~ which no one seems to be able to handle. Why is that? Why can those friends with my best interests at heart not see it, why do they insist on trying to get me to believe in fairytale fantasies? I know it may look like I am being negative, but I am not; just being honest. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, and I am sorry if you think I should be more positive about myself and life; but it will just not work out for me that way… and before you start to give me examples of “happy endings,” allow me to give you my own examples.

It is only ever drunk men, married men or men with “issues.” All they ever want is to fuck me, and the sad fact of the matter is that I allowed them to use me and take what they wanted to take. I thought by giving them what they wanted, they would love me and stay. Sex has never been big on my list of priorities, never interested me or been something I longed for; it was always “you” guys I wanted to please ~ thinking this is what would make you want me and stay. The countless number of guys who want to spend time with me when I am giving it out, who then cannot wait to marry someone else… the guys who want to share their secrets with me but would rather spend their lives with anyone else, and don’t even start me on about married men! Yes I know I have not helped myself, yes I know I could have been stronger; that is my fault… and I am the one that will have to answer for my actions!

So trust me people, I know my life; and how it is going to turn out. In light of all this, I have decided to close my heart up and throw it away. No long will I need it, no longer will I ever try to find the confidence to make the first move; no more Miss nice girl ~ me and love are over, I am leaving you; and no coming back… I am a woman, and I quit this crazy little thing called love!

Because it's damn true!!!

Alastair Campbell & This Week....

Having finally caught up with my politics stuff, I wanted to talk about something that Alastair Campbell spoke about on This Week; (a political satire programme, on after Question Time) mental health and depression. I can hear a few gasps around the room, but hopefully I can hear a few people getting comfortable too…

1 in 4 people will, at one point in their lives suffer with mental health issues. I heard a comment from someone (I think he was American, but I won’t hold that against him) that he thought it was all rubbish and a made up English thing. And I found it a crying shame that people like that exist, that people like that can so easily and quickly dismiss the fact that mental health issues can be just as bad as something which you can see ~ in my opinion, many times worse.

Let’s face facts, many people cannot bring themselves to admit they have mental health issues; scared of what people will say. How they will be treated, and how others we deal with it… we have seen the adverts where the guy asks how his work colleague is after being off for a while, it shows the many reactions that the guy who asked could get. It is one of them things we don’t like to talk about because we don’t know how to handle it, we don’t know what to say.

To hear Alastair talk about it openly makes a difference, to hear that politicians go through what I have been though means a lot more than someone who pretends they understand and care. More celebrities should talk about it though, I know many have no problem these days admitting they have been bullied; so why not that they have gone through some mental health issues? Of course I know why, because so many people still see it as a weakness.

I have suffered with severe clinical depression for far too many years. I know that being bullied did not help, but I am certain it is far more than that. I have tried to get help many times, most times result in either a “quick fix” which fails to go the distance; or end up causing rifts between my parents and I ~ sounded like the Queen there didn’t I… oooo get me ~ which is the one certain and constant thing I have always had in my life, and the one thing I get very defensive over! I have tried taking tablets to help me, but I could not get on with them firstly; but also feel like they are not “dealing” with the problems and only masking them…

It is hard to explain to someone who has never “been there” just how it feels when you have depression, or indeed any mental health problem… how can you tell someone that you are sick, when they cannot see anything wrong with you? There are no bits hanging off or lumps and bumps, there is nothing to show people; especially if they are strangers! Now it is true to say that family and close friends can usually tell when things are wrong, but how do you show someone like the job centre just how you feel?

Now I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I can assure readers that the one thing you should not do; is follow the path that I took. The one other thing sure to unsettle people more than telling them you have a mental health problem, is to tell them you tried; on more than one occasion to kill yourself. There is nothing quicker than those words to get many a friend running from the hills, or to send chills down the spine of people when you tell them that. I don’t choose to tell people because I am ashamed of what I tried to do, I am unsure of how you will deal with it if I tell them I was (and still am sometimes) that weak that I could not cope or deal with life.

The stigma attached to mental health issues are a hard one to overcome, Alastair is correct about that. He is also correct that more politicians and celebrities should be more forthcoming when it comes to dealing with their own issues, not just for themselves; but also others who suffer too. It is not a sign of weakness to be diagnosed with cancer, diabetes or heart related conditions; there is no stigma attached to bullying or abuse. All those things are terrible to not only live through, but also deal with; why should mental health issues & depression be any different? There has been much good work done to highlight the problems people with disabilities and special needs face, people are beginning to understand just what these people go through; so why can we not do the same with mental health problems?

The only difference between the two sets of people is that you can see any physical differences someone might have.

I would like to see a world where everyone can live in a safe; fair & free open society. Where we seek to balance the fundamental values of liberty, equality and community; in which no one shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity... in other words, where we are all free to be who we are; and to be respected as human beings regardless of race, religion or our health related issues.

On A Rant Again... (Yes a political one ~ but it isn't a bad one!!!)

Firstly, I’d like to wholehearted congratulate Chris Lofts and  Lisa Samiotis; our new County Council Councillors for Towcester. What a great result and in my opinion, something that we all needed… Well done to all; especially Jane Hollis & Scott Collins, for all the hard work that went into such a great end result.

Now can we in the Northampton part of the party all look towards the future and the NCC (Northamptonshire County Council) election?

What happened to our party at the Borough election was horrible, as a party member who had helped out & worked her butt off; as well as a human being who saw many a good person (yes even you Mister Woods) lose their seats ~ it hurt like crap. We are all (including me) licking our wounds, yes still. To be so soundly defeated may have been what many thought we deserved, I am not here to question that.

What I do want to bring up is the fact that we seemed to have just stalled and come to a halt when it comes to Borough matters. I can understand why, and can see that with only four councillors (one of whom is Deputy Mayor) it is very hard to be an effective opposition when it comes to council matters. However, my big fear is that those good people that we had with us; will just give up and essentially let “them” win. Such a huge amount of experience and passion will be lost to this town, and that can never be a good thing!

There is an old saying, which I feel is most apt here… “When you fall, you don’t give up. You pick yourself up; dust yourself off and start again…”

I can see why many feel that this is not an option open to them. Pride (or ego, you call it whatever you like) is one of those things that; once it takes a beating, it takes a hell of a lot to make things better. Some may feel too old or past it, I get that feeling too. Believe me, I totally understand why many have the feelings they do; I cannot say that I would not feel the same if it was me.

But here is where I think I might differ slightly, and I am not preaching or anything at people that are better than me! If it was me, sure I would be devastated; but I hope that sooner rather than later I would pick myself up again. I am sure that someone; probably my parents, would kick me up the butt and tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. And they would be completely right to do that, after all that is what political life is partly about isn’t it?

I know that I am not a Councillor, and have not been in politics that long; I admit I do not know all the ins and outs of the local political world. However, what I do know it that s*it happens! One minute you are the best thing since sliced bread, the next you can be clinging on by your fingernails. That is just the way things are, you are damned if you do; and damned if you don’t… in short; when you enter into the political field, you must understand and except that you are not always going to get things right ~ and you are not always going to be liked by everyone! Again this old saying seems to fit; “you can please some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time!”

I am sure than many councillors (and not just in my party) understand this, I understand this; and should I take that step to try become a councillor I’d like to think I would never forget that either. It must be so hard to continue to fight with passion and fire as strong as it was when something like this happens; when you lose so heavily, I imagine that it makes you question everything… up to and including the belief that those who vote must hate you so much that what is the point in fighting again.

But my point to end is that you simply must keep going. I know that it is hard, and I am sure that I underestimate just how hard it would be. But I feel that you just cannot let “them” win, you cannot just give up and let whatever party it is sell the people of your ward and town down the river. People can be fickle, (I am no different) we sometimes vote without thinking things through fully. We as voters want the best we can for ourselves and family, we want the best for our town. We use blind faith sometimes in the hope that those courting for our vote really do care, and really will do their best for us and our town/community. Sometimes the vote will not go our way as politicians, but that does not mean we should give up on the fight or wanting to do our best for the town or its people…

At the end of the day, we are all voters too. We all belong to this town and we all want our best for our families and our town don’t we?

Dearest Gil,, a csi fanfic - FanFiction.Net

Dearest Gil,, a csi fanfic - FanFiction.Net

Must try my hand at writing something like this as soon as I can!

Women & Men ~ Take Note.....

I wrote the following after seeing a link on Facebook a friend commented on, I did not know all the "other bits" to the link and will not be commenting on all the other stuff here. I am not sure I understand enough about all the facts to make a true opinion about the matter, I wrote this originally to say that the main basis of the "bill~that~was~not" was that I agreed with the idea of "just say no" being a viable option when it came to sex... I do not think that it should be all down to women, guys you have to take an equal amount of the thing here; after all ~ you have a part to play too! I also believe, as I will hopefully show in the below piece; that sometimes "no" is an option! It should not be about "having" to preform to feel like a woman (or man for that matter) ~ it should be about what "YOU" want, not what you "SHOULD" be doing!!! 


Having just seen a link on facebook posted by a friend regarding a female MP and her bill, I thought that I would add my own views; which may not be liked by everyone ~ but again, it’s just my views!

Nadine Dorries is MP for Mid Bedfordshire and as I can understand it put forward a bill about extra sex education lessons for young girls between 13 & 16 years old; which would include advice on "the benefits of abstinence".

Now it seems that she has withdrawn the bill, apparently causing a million and one feminists, humanists and pro-choice activists to cheer madly and wildly. I have no idea why Ms. Dorries removed the bill, which won support first time around; I also have no idea why other woman are so against this bill either. Surely the whole point of years of struggling to get equality means that we women do nothave to follow the crowd or do what people tell us to do? I don’t normally look to myself for an example; but let me put forward my view of this…

I hate sex. I have never liked it, and I doubt I ever will. Despite what people may think, despite my flirty nature and past misdemeanours, it has never been of interest to me. Now much of this I am sure is down to my hormones and constant bleeding/women troubles, but it is partly due to choice too!

What I need is other women that understand, not to feel unnatural and about as sensual as a pencil. What I need is to find one guy who doesn’t think with his dick and will be understanding, not continued pressure from all and sundry to be more of a woman.

It would be heaven to not feel like a freak just because I am not being banged every single night, or because I don’t want to be screwed by every man to walk god’s green earth!!

You know what, I actually agree with Nadine to some extent. It would be great if girls were taught that you don’t need to have sex, until you are ready. And while I am at it, why not teach young girls more about what can go wrong with their bodies; rather than just what happens when they get their man (or men) into bed… no one ever told me what happens when your bits go wrong. No one has ever said, this is normal or this is not normal. And when I have only my mother to turn to for advice, it can get very hard to not only find my voice when something goes wrong; but also understand my body and life. So instead of making the women you are fighting to gain equality for, feel like freaks; why not start supporting a full and complete sex education for women!!!

And She's Off On A Rant Again!!!

A few things that have been on my mind of late…

It's been a while since I wrote anything blog like, so I thought I would get my finger out and start again… The Daily Mail/Mail on Sunday… the devil reincarnated or a good honest read; that says what people really think? I know what I think, but please discuss!!!

Why is it that when something hurts, everything else wants to join it too? When my left leg wants to hurt, my right heel wants to join in the party… then my women’s troubles wants to come along and start causing havoc, and if that wasn’t enough my head wants to pound me into submission… on top of which I manage to get caught by the mother of all colds!!! Including the full blown, blocked nose, sort throat and dry tickly cough too!! Jeez, doesn’t my body know I have a life I need to be getting on with!

Having just watched the news about youth unemployment rising, I wanted to make the point a friend made; what about dropping the youth part for those of us older than 24 years old? It should be just about the unemployment aspect, rather than just being about the yoof of today! I can understand better than most just how it feels being unemployed, that doesn’t change because you are young or old; if anything it is worse for those nearer to retirement age than youngers just out of school.