Monday, February 20, 2012

Men! You're ALL the Bucking Same!!!

Men! You're ALL the Bucking Same!!!:

'via Blog this'

I’ve been going over this in my mind again and again, have been thinking about how to write this for ages. I wish I knew where to start, wish I could be clinically like I can with most other things in my life. My life is shit; I am tired of how it has been treating me. Maybe I deserve it, they do say you get what you give don’t they; well maybe I deserve this crap?

Maybe I have asked for this, turning myself into something I am not; then expecting life to treat me better. Perhaps I am being punished for how I treated people in my past, lord only knows I have not always been as nice as I could have been! There was Phil, who I hurt because I was not able to handle my feelings for someone else and his inexperienced ways. And I know I hurt Scott deeply too, god rest his soul ~ how I miss that man, biggest regret of my life!

I could have been nicer, better and kinder; I am sure. But putting aside all that, I am not a bad person. I would do anything for anyone, I am kind. And honest, and loyal; and loving. Maybe this is my problem? Maybe life does not like nice people; maybe this is how it is meant to be? Yes part of these things I am feeling is from being turned down, again; but it is more than that. Everything has gotten on top of me of late, if it isn’t my love life; it is my health. If it isn’t family problems, it is political problems… it all has this nasty habit of fucking up my life, and making me wish I had an end to it all. And the sad thing is, I don’t know if I could change much of it even if I tried. I mean how on earth will I ever be able to compete with those girls you see on Geordie Shore or in TOWIE? And let’s be honest, when you look like them girls; girls like me (fat, ugly and stupid ones) will never ever get a look in.

I knew long before most other people I would never be worth much when it came to looks and love etc. I am great, believe me I think/know that I am; but I will never be good enough for some Greek Adonis ~ that just isn’t how things work for me or my life, and that’s not putting myself down; it is just me being honest and realistic! No matter how great my personality, without lots of money; I shall never look like them girls guys go wild for. I know not all men go for that, but the only thing I make is a great friend… that or a good fuck ~ and now that part of my life is over; there does not seem much open to me anymore! Now I know you will all think I am just on a downer and exaggerating, but I have lived with myself far longer than the majority of you have known me. I know me, I know my life; and I know how it works and will end for me. And believe me when I say, I know that it will not end well for little ol’ me!

Truth is I cannot blame being turned down twice for these feelings, it is more than that; this has been coming for a long time. Far too much is wrong, and far too many people think they are helping and know best… I hate feeling the way I do, I hate being alone; I hate my depression and the lack of confidence that plagues me so much. Even when I try to be brave & approach people, I get it wrong; it has never worked out ~ I am never enough and always get the “I’m not interested” line! Well, either that or the “let’s fuck & nothing else” kinda guys! Both depress me even more than being alone does, it is always the same old story ~ and let me tell you; none of that bodes well for me and my future! Yes, it is true; my lot is certainly not a happy one ~ which is why I feel like the only way forward is if I close my heart to everything and everyone… maybe the best way is to hate all; that way I can know what to expect right?

Let’s face it, there are far too many examples of the shit I have had to deal with; hell I could write a book about it all ~ now there’s an idea! Not sure all my “ex’s” (and I use that term loosely, there have not been many of them have there now?) could deal with being part of a book; maybe it has something to do with a guilty conscious? Not all have been that bad; just that none have really bothered to stick around and see the real me… Truth is, I know that I give out the wrong impression; I know I do not always help myself ~ but let’s be honest here, you guys are all the same anyway; so what’s the point really? You all think with your dicks, that is all you want from any girl; it fuels you and all that you do. So when that is the last thing you want, or can do; it clearly leaves a huge problem to deal with doesn’t it? I mean, what else are you guys going to see in me? Because you sure as hell don’t see my kind, caring nature; or my loving and loyal personality do you?

All you see is the flirty, bubbly girl you want to fuck and forget; or the best friend you can share you deepest, darkest secrets to and never think any more about... I am not your potential girlfriend, or a possible wife; I am there for you to use and abuse ~ that is all I shall ever be! And you know the worse thing about all of that? I am stupid enough to allow you to do that to me, I let you treat me like this! Even when I try to change the way you guys think, you still see me as a nothing or no one kinda girl. Take the two single guys I have tried to get to know, I have things in common with both. I am not after their money or position in life; I just simply wanted to get to know both better… no strings or promises, just to see how I got on with them. I am fed up of a million and one “do-gooders” telling me that “I’ll be okay;” and “I’ll meet someone…” Trust me on this one, I won’t; and it will not happen ~ ever! Deal with it, because that’s what I am having to do!!

As much as I know the majority of my friends, care about me and have my best interests at heart; but please believe me when I say that I know what I am talking about. No I am not going to be okay, no I am not going to find someone; this is my reality and how my life will end. And it isn’t about having faith or belief in myself, it isn’t about putting myself down either; it is purely me being totally honest ~ which no one seems to be able to handle. Why is that? Why can those friends with my best interests at heart not see it, why do they insist on trying to get me to believe in fairytale fantasies? I know it may look like I am being negative, but I am not; just being honest. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, and I am sorry if you think I should be more positive about myself and life; but it will just not work out for me that way… and before you start to give me examples of “happy endings,” allow me to give you my own examples.

It is only ever drunk men, married men or men with “issues.” All they ever want is to fuck me, and the sad fact of the matter is that I allowed them to use me and take what they wanted to take. I thought by giving them what they wanted, they would love me and stay. Sex has never been big on my list of priorities, never interested me or been something I longed for; it was always “you” guys I wanted to please ~ thinking this is what would make you want me and stay. The countless number of guys who want to spend time with me when I am giving it out, who then cannot wait to marry someone else… the guys who want to share their secrets with me but would rather spend their lives with anyone else, and don’t even start me on about married men! Yes I know I have not helped myself, yes I know I could have been stronger; that is my fault… and I am the one that will have to answer for my actions!

So trust me people, I know my life; and how it is going to turn out. In light of all this, I have decided to close my heart up and throw it away. No long will I need it, no longer will I ever try to find the confidence to make the first move; no more Miss nice girl ~ me and love are over, I am leaving you; and no coming back… I am a woman, and I quit this crazy little thing called love!

Because it's damn true!!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Alastair Campbell & This Week....

Having finally caught up with my politics stuff, I wanted to talk about something that Alastair Campbell spoke about on This Week; (a political satire programme, on after Question Time) mental health and depression. I can hear a few gasps around the room, but hopefully I can hear a few people getting comfortable too…

1 in 4 people will, at one point in their lives suffer with mental health issues. I heard a comment from someone (I think he was American, but I won’t hold that against him) that he thought it was all rubbish and a made up English thing. And I found it a crying shame that people like that exist, that people like that can so easily and quickly dismiss the fact that mental health issues can be just as bad as something which you can see ~ in my opinion, many times worse.

Let’s face facts, many people cannot bring themselves to admit they have mental health issues; scared of what people will say. How they will be treated, and how others we deal with it… we have seen the adverts where the guy asks how his work colleague is after being off for a while, it shows the many reactions that the guy who asked could get. It is one of them things we don’t like to talk about because we don’t know how to handle it, we don’t know what to say.

To hear Alastair talk about it openly makes a difference, to hear that politicians go through what I have been though means a lot more than someone who pretends they understand and care. More celebrities should talk about it though, I know many have no problem these days admitting they have been bullied; so why not that they have gone through some mental health issues? Of course I know why, because so many people still see it as a weakness.

I have suffered with severe clinical depression for far too many years. I know that being bullied did not help, but I am certain it is far more than that. I have tried to get help many times, most times result in either a “quick fix” which fails to go the distance; or end up causing rifts between my parents and I ~ sounded like the Queen there didn’t I… oooo get me ~ which is the one certain and constant thing I have always had in my life, and the one thing I get very defensive over! I have tried taking tablets to help me, but I could not get on with them firstly; but also feel like they are not “dealing” with the problems and only masking them…

It is hard to explain to someone who has never “been there” just how it feels when you have depression, or indeed any mental health problem… how can you tell someone that you are sick, when they cannot see anything wrong with you? There are no bits hanging off or lumps and bumps, there is nothing to show people; especially if they are strangers! Now it is true to say that family and close friends can usually tell when things are wrong, but how do you show someone like the job centre just how you feel?

Now I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I can assure readers that the one thing you should not do; is follow the path that I took. The one other thing sure to unsettle people more than telling them you have a mental health problem, is to tell them you tried; on more than one occasion to kill yourself. There is nothing quicker than those words to get many a friend running from the hills, or to send chills down the spine of people when you tell them that. I don’t choose to tell people because I am ashamed of what I tried to do, I am unsure of how you will deal with it if I tell them I was (and still am sometimes) that weak that I could not cope or deal with life.

The stigma attached to mental health issues are a hard one to overcome, Alastair is correct about that. He is also correct that more politicians and celebrities should be more forthcoming when it comes to dealing with their own issues, not just for themselves; but also others who suffer too. It is not a sign of weakness to be diagnosed with cancer, diabetes or heart related conditions; there is no stigma attached to bullying or abuse. All those things are terrible to not only live through, but also deal with; why should mental health issues & depression be any different? There has been much good work done to highlight the problems people with disabilities and special needs face, people are beginning to understand just what these people go through; so why can we not do the same with mental health problems?

The only difference between the two sets of people is that you can see any physical differences someone might have.

I would like to see a world where everyone can live in a safe; fair & free open society. Where we seek to balance the fundamental values of liberty, equality and community; in which no one shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity... in other words, where we are all free to be who we are; and to be respected as human beings regardless of race, religion or our health related issues.

Friday, February 10, 2012

On A Rant Again... (Yes a political one ~ but it isn't a bad one!!!)

Firstly, I’d like to wholehearted congratulate Chris Lofts and  Lisa Samiotis; our new County Council Councillors for Towcester. What a great result and in my opinion, something that we all needed… Well done to all; especially Jane Hollis & Scott Collins, for all the hard work that went into such a great end result.
Now can we in the Northampton part of the party all look towards the future and the NCC (Northamptonshire County Council) election?

What happened to our party at the Borough election was horrible, as a party member who had helped out & worked her butt off; as well as a human being who saw many a good person (yes even you Mister Woods) lose their seats ~ it hurt like crap. We are all (including me) licking our wounds, yes still. To be so soundly defeated may have been what many thought we deserved, I am not here to question that.

What I do want to bring up is the fact that we seemed to have just stalled and come to a halt when it comes to Borough matters. I can understand why, and can see that with only four councillors (one of whom is Deputy Mayor) it is very hard to be an effective opposition when it comes to council matters. However, my big fear is that those good people that we had with us; will just give up and essentially let “them” win. Such a huge amount of experience and passion will be lost to this town, and that can never be a good thing!

There is an old saying, which I feel is most apt here… “When you fall, you don’t give up. You pick yourself up; dust yourself off and start again…”

I can see why many feel that this is not an option open to them. Pride (or ego, you call it whatever you like) is one of those things that; once it takes a beating, it takes a hell of a lot to make things better. Some may feel too old or past it, I get that feeling too. Believe me, I totally understand why many have the feelings they do; I cannot say that I would not feel the same if it was me.

But here is where I think I might differ slightly, and I am not preaching or anything at people that are better than me! If it was me, sure I would be devastated; but I hope that sooner rather than later I would pick myself up again. I am sure that someone; probably my parents, would kick me up the butt and tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. And they would be completely right to do that, after all that is what political life is partly about isn’t it?

I know that I am not a Councillor, and have not been in politics that long; I admit I do not know all the ins and outs of the local political world. However, what I do know it that s*it happens! One minute you are the best thing since sliced bread, the next you can be clinging on by your fingernails. That is just the way things are, you are damned if you do; and damned if you don’t… in short; when you enter into the political field, you must understand and except that you are not always going to get things right ~ and you are not always going to be liked by everyone! Again this old saying seems to fit; “you can please some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time!”

I am sure than many councillors (and not just in my party) understand this, I understand this; and should I take that step to try become a councillor I’d like to think I would never forget that either. It must be so hard to continue to fight with passion and fire as strong as it was when something like this happens; when you lose so heavily, I imagine that it makes you question everything… up to and including the belief that those who vote must hate you so much that what is the point in fighting again.

But my point to end is that you simply must keep going. I know that it is hard, and I am sure that I underestimate just how hard it would be. But I feel that you just cannot let “them” win, you cannot just give up and let whatever party it is sell the people of your ward and town down the river. People can be fickle, (I am no different) we sometimes vote without thinking things through fully. We as voters want the best we can for ourselves and family, we want the best for our town. We use blind faith sometimes in the hope that those courting for our vote really do care, and really will do their best for us and our town/community. Sometimes the vote will not go our way as politicians, but that does not mean we should give up on the fight or wanting to do our best for the town or its people…

At the end of the day, we are all voters too. We all belong to this town and we all want our best for our families and our town don’t we?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Dearest Gil,, a csi fanfic - FanFiction.Net

Dearest Gil,, a csi fanfic - FanFiction.Net

Must try my hand at writing something like this as soon as I can!