Monday, December 21, 2009

Share With Me...

Note: Once again something that Michael has written has struck a cord with me, hence why I am sharing this post. After reading it, it got me to thinking about how people not only view me; but also if this could be seen to be anything like me... He added a note after that made me think even more; I'll start the post with the note & you can all see what you think...

Note: A friend just called me joking that this was about him. I need to clarify that this is NOT about anyone. I just got to thinking about how much we share with other people on the Internet, and I got to wondering how much people really, truly empathize or not?
It seems paradoxical that we can often be emotionally intimate with strangers while struggling for emotional closeness with those we share air with.

Share with me
All the details of your life
How you used to love your wife
Just how fucked up you got
If your co-worker is hot
What you had to eat
The cancer can't be beat
Dog sprained his knee
The kite is in a tree
You feel a little down
Awfully scared of clowns
Just dropped some pills
But you think they were Advil's
Why you can't get laid
How much you don't get paid
That love is out of reach
A charity beseech
Daddy never understood
Momma had a heart of wood
Sister is greedy whore
Junkie brother at the door
Husband is a drunken lout
Sadly for you I just signed out

Nerd A Claus....

Again, I would like to share a post my facebook friend Michael Mclarty shared with me. His writing is sharp, clever and funny; and unlike me has a way with words... Please enjoy his musings, and feel free to comment; I will make sure he gets them!

Note: My friend Christopher Welsh, famed author of the Houdini graphic novel, recently asked me for my address in order to send a Christmas card. What started off as a lark reply became something a little more serious in it's own way, and in my hubris I found it worth sharing. The value of that sentiment, as always, is yours to decide.)

Where do I live?

You can find me where two geeks are arguing about Kirk vs. Picard,
The Ewok Christmas Special, or if Dawn of the Dead (2004) is superior to the original.

I reside in the heart of the gamer hunched over a computer screen for 12 hours whose sole goal is to loot a purple sword, as his current blue one is found lacking.

I am sitting around the table where oddly-shaped dice are rolled by pudgy, aging gamers pretending to be hobbits, vampires or Jedi.

I am on forum boards of all stripes and flavors, I am in a bidding war for an authentic
Blade Runner movie prop signed by Rutger Hauer.

I can be found at conventions asking Edward James Olmos about his character motivation in Episode 17 of
Battlestar Galactica, or being raunchy with my friends and stating which Disney princess we would most like to "do" (Ariel, btw).

I am in the bookstore looking for a post apocalyptic novel I heard about, at the theater eagerly anticipating the start of a horror movie.

I am downloading a ringtone that plays the
Thundar the Barbarian theme song, I am creating a fan site for the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, I am quoting Excalibur orMonty Python for the thousandth time in my life.

Where do I live?

I live in the hearts and souls of people who never quite "grew up" all the way, who still find childish wonder and amazement in at least some fanciful aspect of life, be it real or imaginary. And even if we will never truly be caped crusaders, zombie hunters, or knights of old, we carry with us a spark of magic, kindled in us as children, that we hope to pass on to the next generation.

If some look on us with pity, the true pity is reserved for them. For they have lost that sense of joy found in a simple game of cowboys and Indians, or in storming a cardboard box that has transformed into a castle of stone wherein lay a dangerous dragon and beautiful princess in need of rescue. They have not "grown up", for that implies a strengthening of something. No, they have 'grown down'. They have lost the magic.

Yes Chris, there is a Nerdaclaus, and he wishes you all the magic you can possibly fathom.

Merry Christmas,


Monday, December 14, 2009

Rumi Odes:~ I Got You Now...

(© Copyright Shahram Shiva. All rights reserved. Do not duplicate without permission.
Simple sharing on social networking sites or personal blogs are OK with proper source credit.)

My face free of sorrow,
my mouth full of wine,
my clothes torn off my body.

Look what you've done to me now.
He says, t
hat's what I do.
I tear away the layers.
I melt the shame.

I reveal the unrevealed.
He moves too fast.

One breath, he is outside the window.
Next breath, he is inside my shirt.

I can't think clear,
my mind is not here,
he is all I see.

There is new life in me.
The seven heavens cannot contain him,
but he is here, moving up my shirt.
Pop, one button here.
Pop, one button there.

This lion of God watches over me, I sing as he roars.
He says, I've got you now.
I gave you life, I created you,
I do what I want now.

I am your harp, play me easy,
play me hard, or don't touch my strings at all.

You know! I think,
I've got YOU now.
Before I met you, I had only one heart,
I had only one body, I was only being.
But look at me now,
I've got you now.

Rumi Quatrains....

(© Copyright Shahram Shiva. All rights reserved. Do not duplicate without permission.
Simple sharing on social networking sites or personal blogs are OK with proper source credit.)

To Love is to reach God.
Never will a Lover's chest feel any sorrow.
Never will a Lover's robe be touched by mortals.
Never will a Lover's body be found buried in the earth.
To Love is to reach God.


You think you are alive because you breathe air?
Shame on you, that you are alive in such a limited way.
Don't be without love, so you won't feel deal.
Die in love and stay alive forever.


My head is busting with the joy of the unknown.
My heart is expanding a thousand fold.
Every cell, taking wings, flies about the world.
All seek separately the many faces of my love.

The Lover is ever drunk with Love.
He is mad, she is free.
He sings with delight, she dances with ecstasy.
Caught by our own thoughts, we worry about everything.
But once we get drunk on that Love.
Whatever will be, will be.
Love is best when mixed with anguish.
In our town, we won't call you a Lover if you escape the pain.
Look for Love in this way,
welcome it to your soul
and watch your spirit fly away in ecstasy.
The Lovers will drink wine night and day.
They will drink until they can tear away the veils of intellect
and melt away the layers of shame and modesty.
When in Love, body, mind, heart and soul don't even exist.
Become this, fall in Love, and you will not be separated again.
We are all powerless by Love's game.
How can you expect us to behave and act modest?
How can you expect us to stay at home, like good little boys?
How can you expect us to enjoy being chained like mad men?
Oh, my Beloved, you will find us every night,
on your street, with our eyes glued to your window,
waiting for a glimpse of your radiant face.
This world is no match for your Love.
Being away from you is death aiming to take my soul away.
My heart, so precious, I won't trade for a hundred thousand souls.
Your one smile takes it for free.
I sipped some of love's sweet wine, and now I am ill.
My body aches, my fever is high.
They called in the doctor and he said, drink this tea!
Ok, time to drink this tea.
He said, Take these pills!
Ok, time to take these pills.
The doctor said, and get rid of the sweet wine of love's lips!
Ok, time to get rid of the doctor.

Calm in the Midst of Lightning... Poems by Rumi.

When the love-lion wants to drink our blood,
we let him. Every moment we offer up
a new soul. Someone comes to collect
the turban and the shoes.

Calm in the midst of lightning
stands the cause of lightning.

The way I look is so fragile,
yet here in my hand
is an assurance of eternity.

A snake drags along looking for the ocean.
What would it do with it?

If, for penance, you crush grapes,
you may as well drink the wine.

You imagine that the old sufis
had dark sediment in their cups.
It does not matter what you think.

The flower that does not smile
at the branch withers.

Shams Tabriz rises as the sun.
It is night now.
What's the point of counting stars?

Spilled Speech.... Poems by Rumi.

As everyone drifts off to sleep,
I am still staring at the stars.

Separation from you does have a cure.
There is a way inside the sealed room.

If you will not pour wine,
at least allow me half a mouthful
of leftover dregs.

Secretly I fill my sleeve with pearls.
When the love-police detain me,
let your moon come down
and hold me in its arms.

Officer, I know this man.
I will take him home.

Let my wandering end as the story does
of the Kurd who loses his camel.

Then the full moon comes out,
and he finds what he lost.

These rocks and earth-forms
were originally sun-warmed water,
were they not?

Then the planet cooled
and settled to what we are now.

The blood in our bodies carries
a living luminous flow,
but watch when it spills out
and soaks into the ground.

That is how speech does,
overflowing from silence.

Silk on one side,
cheap, striped canvas on the other.

Well I Never....

While sorting out a load of stuff in my quest to find my Christmas card list, which as most my friends will know is not something I enjoy doing; I came across a card from an old friend.

He was a lovely chap and was really into Riki (or however the hell you spell it) and poetry; in particular works by Rumi... (For more info, check out: His works appeal to the romantic side of me; and could easily be mistaken for something one lover writes to another, strange then that they are actually written to God... but then I guess for some, this is a loving relationship.

Anyways; I would like to share some of them with you, hopefully to either inspire you or just make you feel all warm and gooey inside! Hope you enjoy and feel free to explore more of his works!

"We know separation so well because we've tasted the union.
The reed flute makes music because it has already experiences changing mud and rain and light into sugarcane.
Longing becomes more poignant if in the distance you can't tell whether your friend is going away or coming back.
The pushing away pulls you in."

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What I REALLY think of you!!!

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, in truth it has been on my mind for longer than I care to admit. I guess that I have never had the guts or “don’t give a damn” attitude that has seemingly come my way recently; well, that and a million other reasons!

I was never confident enough in myself to actually believe in myself, I was also afraid; and of everything before you ask!! Many of you will know me and know that I am the genuinely nice girl I am made out to be, maybe that is another big reason; I did not want to lose the nicer part of me.

I have to admit I was also unsure for a long time of what I wanted to say, sometimes what I wanted to say escaped me; even who I wanted to say it to also escaped me sometimes!!! My family and friends are easier to address than those who are not on my Christmas list, to my family and friends I could do all that “gushy” stuff; but I will spare you all from all that.

To say all I want to those people who “
THINK” they are my friends, has been very hard for me; especially given the fact I am so nice to everyone!! (Curses to my nice genuine nature... god it is so hard being as perfect as me!) Firstly, if you “think” you are on the latter part of that list, then you more than likely are! And if you have to ask or are worried you “might” be, then it looks like you are also on the list; yay you!!

Now the good news is that I very rarely ‘hate’ anyone; love and hate are two very strong emotions, as such I don’t do either emotion easily! (Or often for that matter ~ hence why you are privileged if I love you!) So, even if I dislike you; it is not
ALL bad; I would at least piss on you if you were on fire!! I promised I would make this post a short one compared to my last few, so I will end by finally being totally honesty...

· To my family and best friends: all the love, hugs, (yes you, young man!) support and ongoing friendship means absolutely everything to me. And so you
ALL know, for you guys; I’d take a bullet anytime! (and you know it) Thank You Very Much... always.

· To the friends I am yet to make and those I enjoy the company of: looking forward to more of it and getting to know you better ~ especially my Lib Dem friends! (Notice the subtle hint there gentlemen? If not, go to the back of the class and start again!)

· To the “friends who had to ask or think about which list they belonged to: Thanks for all manner of things! Walking all over me, taking the piss, abusing my good and kind nature, hurting me, using me, breaking my heart, taking me for granted, not seeing me for who I really am or my true potential, for judging me, making me cry and (at times) making my life a living nightmare!!!

To all you “friends” (and I use the term loosely!) and anyone else who chooses to piss me off...




As daft as it might sound, I wish you had been there with me that night; we would have fun regardless of if we could draw or not. The company would always be welcomed, as would the hugs... saying nothing for how much I would like to have my hand on your knee again! (Yes I know!! So sue me!!!)

I still cannot believe you did not move my hand or seemingly mind that lunch, you have no idea (or maybe you do!) what that did to me... if it was not bad enough my hormones were already overactive, how was I meant to handle that too! (And in front of those we shared coffee with? Damn it man!)

I supposed I should not be shocked really, I mean I am after used to you married guys! Why does that happen? I really did not go out of my way (until now) to get close to you!! Your friend maybe, but not you!!! You were always meant to be the nice cuddly chap who was his mate, not someone I actually thought about in that way! That is just not fair sport you know hun!!

I admit part of me wants to “go there,” on the whole and for the most part; I know that I cannot... unless of course you want to tell me otherwise! (Hey you cannot blame a girl for trying can you!!) So here is the killer question, wanna come to our Christmas shin dig? (Gotta get me a Christmas kiss haven’t I now? Again, can’t blame me for trying!!!)

Maybe I should not be saying any of this, (I suspect not) let alone feeling this; maybe I am just not thinking straight... but then if you think about my crushes of late, is it any wonder? I know you are married but sometimes I just want to... well, you know. And I would not normally say this, but damn you being married... and I have to admit I am shocked by that thought.

Now don’t get me wrong, you are a total sweetie; you are kind and funny. Intelligent and easy to talk to, I love the feeling for your arms around me and you have the most stunning blue eyes! (And just to clarify things, because I know you are thinking it; it is NOT you Robin!) If I am being honest, I think you are the kind of guy who could more than likely make me happy...

I don’t know if it would be all hearts, flowers, romance and poetry; it does feel like that sometimes. And I am sure there would be problems too, your age and being connected to “them” not least of our problems. Maybe we would not get on, we seem to get on as we are; but what about when you bring the physical side into things?

You know me, I would be more than happy with the cuddles and affection side of things, I was never the “swinging from the chandeliers” type of girl was I now? But in a way, that is my whole point isn’t it? You do know me better than most, don’t you? You know I am not the type of girl who will (despite what people might think) jump into bed with just anyone, or indeed give her heart to just anyone; I am the “cuddle up on the sofa and watch TV or talk with” type of girl that gives her heart to very few people.

Maybe that is why I liked (notice the PAST tense there!) Robin? A sweetheart, but totally unobtainable for me... and for the record I did always know that, I would have never gone there! I guess if you give away an already broken heart to someone who cannot do anything with it, it’ll not get broken again? Okay it won’t get fixed either, but then the fixers are hard to find; especially the single ones!

And when I finally DO find single guys (scrap that, men!!!) that have the potential to fix it all; they invertible end up being the wrong ones in one way or another! God I could actually write a book on all the crap luck I have with guys; guys like those two “nice” (and I use the word loosely) councillors! The less said about them the better if I am honest, but then you knew that didn't you!!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Need to “get it off my chest...” rant.

Although there are times when it must seem like I am always awake, I sometimes do try to sleep at normal times. On the whole this is successful, however on occasions I tend to find myself lying awake with a million and one thoughts running through my head and watching the clock tick slowly by. Maybe it is because I have an overactive imagination or just way too much on my mind, whatever the case I find that on many occasions I am left sat there trying to pass the time by without disturbing others or making a nuisance of myself.

So then, on a day when I seemingly want to sleep but nothing will let me; I find myself sat writing this blog at half four in the morning. In my head I know I need to get all this off my chest and say what I should have done long before now, however my heart is telling me that at nearly five in the morning it could be a bad time to do this! Of course I know my heart is correct, but my head knows this will not stop me! Sorry in advance for any misunderstandings or spelling errors etc. I am normally rubbish at spelling anyways!

Firstly I must explain that this blog is aimed towards my Councillor friends/acquaintances whatever, especially Councillor Clarke, Councillor Woods and Alderman Dickie. It might be a little boring reading for my other friends, but I suggest reading if only to see me finally speak up or; which is more likely the case screw up! And in case anyone asks why I could not speak to them face to face, I have tried on more than one occasion.

Of course this is all over what the press have dubbed “Astragate” and the hearing I spent eight hours sat through on Tuesday. Most people will know I am a card carrying Lib Dem member, having said that I have time for all members of the council. I know Councillor Clarke through the football, and John Dickie through him; I hope I can class both gentlemen as friends. Throughout all my time going to council meetings and what have you, I have tried to keep my friendships and politics separate. As with all my life, I try to see everyone’s point of view and not be swayed by friendships or emotions.

The first time I had any dealings with Councillor Woods, was the public meeting held in The Great Hall of our Guildhall. It was called by the supports trust (of the football club) and others, if I am right in thinking it was the market stallholders association and the fish market arts council. Councillor Woods and his colleagues chose not to officially attend the meeting, which he was within his right as a leader of the council to do. I am not about to be drawn into if that was the right choice or not, but of course I have my own view.

Like I say, I try very hard not to pass judgement on people until I have met them and can make my own mind up for myself. But of course not everyone thinks the same way as I do, there was (and is) clearly more than a few people who are more than willing to pass judgement over Mr. Woods and their feelings towards him; not only as a Councillor or leader of the NBC but also as a person too.

I am sure he has heard it all before and it is probably something he has had to learn how to deal with, although I am not too sure after Tuesday’s meeting! I am not sure if it bothers him or not, I have heard from some of his colleagues that it does. If it does not, then Mr. Woods; it should. You should have been worried about it, and in all honesty you should still be worried about it. Had I listened to what other people said, I would not have joined the party; and I would never have spoken to Mr. Woods.

I am glad I joined the party, for me it was the right choice to make; at that time! I have met some interesting people and some I hope I can class as friends too... in my humble opinion I think that much of the work the council have done has been good, and I believe they are trying to take this town in the right direction. Many of their Councillors work extremely hard, and do not always get the praise they should.

When all this “kicked off” I had not been with the party long, and none of it had or has anything to do with me being a member. I was quiet happy to just let everyone in fight and attack everyone else, had it stayed a political matter then I dare say I would not have cared so much. But of course it could never have stayed that, when in reality politics and personality are seemingly now always linked.

It seems to be that any little thing someone can find to attack you with, anyone and everyone will do so; sometimes for little or no political gain. If this is how it is now, why would anyone want to actually become a Councillor? Why would anyone put themselves willingly through all that? Why can it not be about if a person can actually do the job they are given/asked to do?

Does it really matter if someone has tattoos and has gotten in with the “wrong crowd” when they were a young lad? Surely if they have learnt their lessons and paid their debt to society, they can have a hugely positive and influential input into life and council? Does everyone have to be the same to do a good job? Each of us are human beings, we all have flaws and none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and get things wrong; surely being human (in whatever way we feel comfortable) is not a bad thing to be in politics?

The moment this all began to turn into an attack on Councillor Woods personality, was the moment I decided to make a stand and speak up. I do not know Mr. Woods well, we have spoken rarely and I would not class us as friends. (Nor do I think we ever will be) The times we have spoken he has been a gentleman and polite, and on the one occasion we have sat together having a drink (which I paid for, before anyone starts on me for costing the tax payer anything!) after a meeting, he was funny, kind and easier to talk to than I imagined.

The general public opinion is that he is an arrogant, stubborn, self centred, cold and unemotional bully. While I admit that he is incredibly hard to approach and talk to, I am not sure he deserves such a stream of abusive labels; even after his reaction to the hearing Tuesday. In my opinion (and from speaking to other Lib Dem Councillors) there does seem more to Mr. Woods than meets the eye, maybe he just does not feel comfortable enough with others to show that side of him... one Councillor (who shall not be named, but sat with me for much of Tuesday’s meeting) commented that not everyone wears their heart on their sleeves.

And I do have to agree, not everyone can be emotionally open. Not everyone can walk into a room and comfortably “work the room” as it were, I am not sure even I could do that; and most people will know I am comfortable with my emotional openness. Now some people will say that if this is the case, then maybe Mr. Woods should not be in office. And I can understand that, if you are in a public position; surely you should be willing and open to being approached.

However, it goes back to my earlier comments doesn’t it; does it matter that someone is shy if they are actually good at the job? And like I said, in my own opinion he is a good leader and has been doing an alright job. When my two friends, Councillor Clarke and John Dickie began to attack Councillor Woods personality; I felt I had to defend Mr. Woods. I am sure he is able to do so himself, but I wanted to make a point.

One of Councillor Woods’s problems was that Alderman Dickie was making the matter more political than needed to be; and in all honesty I do agree. I hope John knows I mean no offence but surely he can see the points raised by Mr. Woods? If it was not for both John and Ian Watts complaints; this matter would not have been thrown into the spotlight as it were and would (more than likely) have been sorted out... with little or no financial cost to the tax payer.

Does anyone know just how much this all has cost us taxpayers? When, in truth it all could have been dealt with “in house” as it were. In my opinion, it is a waste of money that could have been spent elsewhere; as well as a waste of time on something a trivia as a bloody car! To make my point, I will direct Mr. Dickie and Councillor Clarke to their blogs and indeed the facebook page I made a few months back... Free The Castle Ward Two! Surely they both can, and must understand what it means to waste the time and money of us taxpayers?

In my life there are far greater things for me to worry about than why and how long Councillor Woods parked his car, which was in his own space and in a car park not accessible to the general public! And to be honest, I could not care less if he is open and easy to approach; as long as he is doing the job he was asked to do (which; like I have said I think he is) and does not go around killing babies etc. I personally, am more worried about if my Mum’s arm will be alright; Dad’s hands will be fixed soon and if my Nan will be any more gar gar by the time I next go down to visit her! And unlike most people; I cannot blame Tony Woods for any of that... unless he can fix it, then he is more than welcome to try!

Again in my opinion, while he was silly to have left his car for so long; there are much more important things in life to worry about. Yes, it was daft; yes, he was stubborn to not take action sooner. I understand (from the Councillor who sat with me) that there were underlying facts to this, that Mr. Woods himself did not want made public. I can understand this, but regardless of the facts it was just a flipping car! Yes he probably should have moved it sooner, and yes he probably should have apologised sooner. It would have been fixed sooner and easier, and without the expense to the taxpayer!

I think Mr. Woods is and was foolish to leave the car for as long as he did, I think Mr. Dickie and Mr. Watts should have spoken to Mr. Woods directly or left well alone; it clearly made matters much worse. However, now that we have had this hearing and Mr. Woods received his punishment; I feel that Mr. Woods was again foolish to have reacted the way he did. Maybe he still feels like he has done nothing wrong and I am in no position to question that. What I do question however is Councillor Woods’s reaction to the verdict, which in fairness could have been much worse!

As all this played out I was convinced Mr. Woods would receive a harsher sanction than he actually did, as did most people who have been watching this all unfold. I know more people than not who wanted his head on a plate, and would not settle until they got him hanging from the nearest lamppost. To be asked to write a letter of apology was, in my view a very light punishment. In my view, Mr. Woods should have accepted this fate and moved on, had he have done so; in my view his resignation would not have been called for and he would have been safe for a little while.

Again, in my view; for Mr. Woods to storm out after the meeting was political suicide and in my view gave his opponents all the ammunition they needed to stick the knife in! Now they have seemingly what they wanted and Mr. Woods has said he will go at the end of the month, whatever his reasons and whatever he thinks of me personally; I do genuinely wish him well. The man I sat having a drink with was interesting, funny and someone I would have loved to got to know better; he is also the only man that could have helped me with my German!

Whoever takes Mr. Woods place, will no doubt have their work cut out for them. If they can turn things around or not, only time will tell. Only time will if the administration as a whole can turn the fortunes of this town around, I hope they get the chance to try; though with everything as it has been I am not sure this will happen. As for me, I am clinging on with one fingernail to something I am no longer sure of. I always said I would give my membership a year, I have yet to count the months or days until I can cancel it... give it time though!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

A ‘Johnies’ Guide To. My Views...

Following on from my last two posts about relationships and how to make your way through the mind field that is love, I thought I would add my views and experiences... (Brace yourselves; this could be interesting to say the least.)

In my experience, I have made some huge mistakes. Ranging from things like not having the confidence to ask a guy I like out, right through to being the “other woman.” In some form or another all these things have shaped me, and in many ways it has given me a more rounded view of life. But by the same token in some respects it has shown me how naive I can still be too, teaching me that I still have much to learn about life and relationships.

Some of my experiences have been for the better, I mean the things I can do with my tongue and 6 ping pong balls are out of this world... just kidding if you are reading Mum!

Some have been for the worst; I still cannot stand the smell of baby oil and am never allowed in Superdrug or Boots anymore! Almost kidding there if you are reading Mum, it was only Body Care!

I have found things out about myself that I never thought I would, not all of them are good mind you! Though like I have always said, don’t knock it ‘til you try it ~ with only a couple of exceptions; everything should be tried at least once in your life! My advice, for what it is worth; is as follows: ~

  • Go into every relationship as if it is your first time. In other words, everyone is going to be different; like different things; and want something different... act accordingly.
  • Do not rush into anything. Take your time in everything you do and every choice you make.
  • Be safe. And be sure... try not to fall for the married ones!
  • Be confident but not cocky.
  • Be comfortable with yourself and in your own skin. YOU are beautiful as you are!!!
  • Never be afraid to dance to the beat of your own drum!
  • Dare to be different... challenge the world to change the way it thinks and not the way you see it.

I have learnt that life is way too short and because we only get one chance at it, we should enjoy every single moment of it and life every day to its fullest. These are my very humble and honest view of life, love and the Rules of Relationships! Please feel free to comment and share your views with the world too...

A ‘Johnies’ Guide To...

Just how wrong is it to “shit on your own doorstep?”

Over the past few months I have been thinking more and more about this, I guess going through the whole “getting a crush on a married friend” thing does that too you! It makes you think more and re-evaluate your life and how you act; nothing can have you thinking more than a crush on married goods! Just for the record, it was just a crush; nothing came of it (or would) and I am over it now!

While conscious dictates that we should follow the right paths and that cheating is indeed wrong, is everything really that black and white and so easy to define? While physically it may be wrong, is it always wrong to flirt when you neither have any intentions of going “there?”

Pulling away from married men for a bit, (wives will be pleased there...) let us look at other forbidden fruits if we can. Is it wrong to fancy your boss or manager? What if you are both single? Is it just a case of if your company allows it or is it down to the two individuals concerned? What about having a relationship with an under manager or supervisor if neither of you have anything to gain from it, is that still deemed as wrong; and if so why?

Is it wrong to look twice at a friend’s single parent? And what about a family friend? Just why is it wrong for two single people to be together should they wish to be together? Where did this “moral righteousness” come from in these matters? Why is it that love seems so hard to find and seemingly has so many hoops to jump through? Can it not just be about love and how they treat you and make you feel, does it always have to be such a big thing?

What about falling for your friend, there always seems to be such a stigma attached to the friend thing; it makes me wonder just why it all seems such a big deal? After all, are we not all searching for someone to be our lover; partner; better/other half and best friend anyways? Isn’t that a dream we would all like to achieve, a little fairytale successful conclusion of their own?

We have all heard about (and sometimes been or had) fuck buddies right? But just when do these buddies, become fuck buddies? When you meet a nice boy or girl or whatever and become friends, is there a moment when it all changes from “potential life partner” to “fuck buddy?” Or do you class that as the “getting to know you” process? I suppose I am trying to ask just when do you make the choice to be “mates” with someone and when do you make the choice to be “more than that?”

In an ideal world, when you met your soul mate; sparks would fly, birds would sing and all other manner of “sickly ~ sweet stuff” would occur. They say that when you truly fall in love, you don’t need to ask questions; you just know. But is this really the case, or is it some claptrap made up to sell more hearts, flowers and cards? When you are stood at the alter with the man/women/whatever you think is your “one and only,” why isn’t there a moment when someone says; “you know what... are you SURE?”

In my experience, I always thought that it was love when they made you feel like no one else in the world. As such, I have to date; fell in love at least four times... and three of them have been this week alone! None have been my “boyfriends” and nor do I think any of them would ever have been... (Or will be) so just why did I think I loved them?

Because they made me feel something different from the others! Not that it was always a good thing mind you!! But that’s another story; and one best left for another time!!! One guy was someone I could see myself having children with, all well and good had he actually been someone I could have spoken too! One gentleman, treated me with such a respect it would have been almost impossible not to fall... his wife must have been so proud of him! (Again, another long story!)

I know I am not perfect, and probably have crap taste in men; (sorry to the guys I know) but is it really all me getting it wrong? On the one hand, you are told that you are not doing enough to meet someone special... but then in the next sentence, you get told that you are doing too much to meet someone. Just what is the right amount of searching or looking for the one?

In the post below, Michael poses the question; why doesn’t everyone really find their soul mates when we are made to believe we will and that their is someone out there for us all? Clearly if people die alone and unhappy, not everyone finds their “other/better half” right? But then, someone will say; there’s someone out there for you! I, myself have had all the lines pulled out by family and friends who wish for me to be happy...

I’ve had the; “he’s just round the corner” talks, and the; “you’ll find him when you are not looking” lines too... Which, although I know are meant with my best intentions at heart; rarely make me feel any better. Maybe it is me being impatient, maybe I actually do know better; or maybe I have lost my faith and belief in love and romance... whatever it is, I know that something is not right in my life!

Now this line of question has a lot of side roads, which I will save for the comments after etc. I know it is going to be a long post anyway! (Sorry about that; you know me... I like to muse!) I’ll round things up by saying that, in my humble opinion; I feel like being a “nice girl with a heart of gold...” (Thank you to the guy who sent that in a text to my friend btw... no names but thanks!) is just no longer enough!

So here is my question; just what are the “Rules of Relationships?”

Just what advice can you offer? What experiences have you been through that have shaped the way you think, act and deal with life? What in hindsight would you change and what would you keep as it is?

As St. John members we often have to give and take advice to do our job better, life is much the same; so what help and advice can you offer people in the mind field out there called love?

I am asking everyone for their advice and opinions, if we get enough comments (anonymously of course!) I will look at getting them printed up and made into a book... all proceeds will go to St. John Ambulance and one other charity; to be chosen by the Mayor of Northampton, England. So, have a think and join in! Post comments here or e-mail them to me direct or via facebook... we’d welcome comments from everyone and anyone, the more the merrier in fact.

FOUR FAGGOTS AND A FUNERAL... Now I have your attention!!!

I know this will be ANOTHER very long post... but this time it is not my fault ~ honest guv! This was written by Michael Mclarty, a friend of mine on facebook... this is all his work, so any credit must go to him!
The reason I wanted to post it, especially before I posted my own next blog; was it said much of what I have been thinking and indeed feeling, but of course I could never say it so eloquently!! I hope no one was offended by the title, it was purely to gain your attention!!!
It is something he has, himself been thinking about for a long time. I hope I can throw it out to a few more people, views and comments on this would be much appreciated; and I shall make sure he gets them all... anyways, on with the show!

One draft of this was titled 'FOUR FAGGOTS AND A FUNERAL!', the humorous/outrageous title being the 'hook' that drew you in. Then I'd chastise you for not finding the word 'faggot' offensive. 'If I had used the word 'nigger', would you have been offended', I was going to ask?

And as intros go, I suppose there is some merit to the 'shocker'. It's my usual schtick: angry, foul mouthed liberal juxtaposed by my lowly blue collar status. It's a contrasting canvas I'm comfortable painting my words into.

But I eventually decided not to go that way. Not because I don't like shocking the prurient or wielding my beloved profanity overhead like a sword. I don't think I'll ever tire of those two ephemeral friends.
No, I eventually decided to just be honest and write from the heart. You're an adult. Take my words and disregard them or agree with them as you will, but this conversation is not me yelling from a bully pulpit. This is just me being a human.

A fragile, often scared, more often confused, human being.

As I'm writing this from my recliner, I look over to the couch where my daughter is sleeping. She is five, will be six next month. She and her brothers are the light of my life. 'Light of my life.' So cliche' we use it by rote these days for everything from our family to washing detergent. It is true though, because before they came along I was in the dark. I never knew the love I was capable of giving till my family began.

It didn't begin with them, though. Surely, they are the largest, cutest part of it, but they're the second part of the story. The first part was when I did one of the few smart things I've ever done in my life and married my wife, Tess. I've said it before and it's worth repeating: I married much better than I had any right to. Most men do.

I remember with a nostalgic wistfulness our early romance. That giddy/sick feeling you have in the pit of your stomach when it feels like you're holding a beautiful snowflake that might melt away if you breathe wrong. It's a tightrope act with no net, and you're the star. Each reunion is a big top event, no matter how how short the intermission. You want to hold them always. Your body yearns to be near that other body that raises from your deepest core emotions both wonderful and conflicting.

I wouldn't call it love, but it's still a nice ride. A hell of a nice ride.

Well, that passes. No candle can burn that bright forever, and thank God. Thank God not just because the early stages of a romance are emotionally draining, but because what comes next is even better.
In time the heady whirlwind slowly transforms into a more solid, albeit less sexy, refreshing and dependable breeze. Perhaps at times you take each other for granted, sure. You do share the same bed, same meals, same TV shows after all. As a couple you share your dreams, and you also share the sad times. The times where your heart is breaking and the world is collapsing and the best you can do is hold onto that one person you know is there, who won't let you sink into a morass from which you might not be able to escape from.

All humans have those moments. Stronger men than I, perhaps, could weather them alone. But I never claimed to be a strong man. And with Tess by my side, I don't have to be. Not all the time, anyhow. Sometimes she has to be the strong one. Other times she needs me to be.

We always got each other's back though, and we always know when to step up, when to speak out, and when to just sit there and listen. Sometimes even when to simply walk away and give the gift of solitude.

I hope everyone has someone like that in their life. Yet even as I write that, I know not everyone does. I've known great gals and guys who just never had the luck I did. They were and are good people. They paid their taxes, worked a solid 40 plus every week, played by society's rules. I'm speaking of moral people. Friendly people. The type of people who would feed you if you were hungry, donate toys every Christmas, and go through life with smiles on their faces even when the cards they were dealt added up to nothing more than a bad hand.

Why is that? Why didn't those people find their 'special someone'? I think it's the same reason some people who would make great parents never have kids: there is no reason.

It just doesn't happen for them. They miss that bus where they would have sat down next to their soul mate and struck up a conversation. They have to cancel the blind date their friend set them up on because they caught the cold, and the opportunity is lost. They're looking one way while walking down the street and that person they would be perfect for just happens to be looking the other.

It's sad, and it's tragic. Love is not easily found. Those, too, are parts of life. Part of the human experience.

But we all want that. We want that connection. Every one of us wants to love, and to be loved. It is the most powerful force in the universe, love. Hate may be more prevalent, but love is stronger. And that's why it always wins, even if the victory isn't readily apparent.

We all want that.

We all need that.

I would even argue that love is the meaning of human existence. It's certainly the only thing that outlives us. Hateful deeds and words shine bright upon the temporary stage light of history, but their acts are eventually forgotten, their legacies stunted and buried. Sure, hate can change the world, but love will always, eventually, fix it.

Sometimes even for the better.

Love is so important that I would further argue that the founding fathers of The United States of America had it in mind when they so famously wrote:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

What is the pursuit of happiness if not chasing after our dreams, doing what we love, being with those we love? If you can't do those things, can you really be happy? If you are legally blocked from that pursuit, is that not in contradiction of the principals this country was founded on?

Of course many would disagree with my interpretation. Words can be twisted, slanted, turned around like a kaleidoscope until you don't really know what they mean anymore. That preamble above didn't stop anyone from buying a slave, or denying women the right to vote. In fact, it condoned those things in many arguments.

So did the Bible. Or the parts picked out to support those arguments, anyhow, when viewed in a certain light.

But to me, they mean just what they say:

We're all equal.

Because we're human, we have rights.

We have the right to live. The right to live free. And finally, the right to live as we see fit.

Of course we take that for granted these days. Or at least people like me do. As a white, heterosexual male, I've never been society's whipping boy. I got mine, no doubt. You take any part of the Constitution, and it's there to protect me, and any other white male with an eye for the ladies, from losing those big three: Life. Liberty. Happiness.

And that is simply not enough.

It's not enough for many reasons. For one thing, white males may not always be in the catbird's seat. People like me better be making sure that the playing field is equal for all those white, woman-chasing males yet to be born. That edge of discrimination can cut both ways, it all depends on who is wielding it.

But more importantly, other people not having the same rights I have simply isn't fair. Me, you, that guy down the street, the bag boy at Kroger's and the crazy woman who collects cats, we're all human. We all pay our taxes. We all do our part in our own way to make our country better, or at least to help keep it running.

Last I checked, homosexuals paid taxes as well. They pay taxes to run and maintain schools for children they are not ever going to create. They pay taxes to support a military they are discouraged from joining and reaping the rewards of service from. Their tax dollars pay the salaries of elected officials who then denounce their lifestyle as evil and immoral.

That doesn't sound fair to me. Not even remotely.

Those same elected officials who denounce homosexuality as evil and homosexual marriage as a threat to the sanctity of marriage certainly don't turn away the homosexual dollar. I guess the money from the Gay's wallets meets their moral criteria. The fact that many of these same politicians then use that money to pay lawyers to help them divorce their old wives so they can upgrade to newer models doesn't sit too badly with them. In their mind, God is flashing them a big thumb's up.

The truth is, if you want to protect the sanctity of marriage, the 'sacred and holy character' of legal union, those same politicians would outlaw divorce. I haven't seen that bill proposed before Congress, though, and I never will.

Because it's a sham of an excuse, the 'sanctity of marriage'. It's a set of nice words that make a nice sounding phrase that still, no matter how you fervently you recite them, mean that some people in this country should be denied their own pursuit of happiness while others are free to go about their business.

I don't think that's right. I think it's pretty wrong. I think it's damned wrong.

Who is the man that can see into another man's soul? Show me that man, let him prove to me that one man cannot love another nor one woman cannot love another woman. That man does not exist. Yet some people pretend to be him and millions of others all too willingly agree to believe the lie he portrays.

Why? I don't know. Ignorance? Fear? The desire to possess that which another man may not? I don't claim to know, but I do know that whatever the catalyst, it's not born of the better angels of our nature.

Nothing that denies happiness to a man who has done no wrong can be right.

So all I'm asking you to consider is this: let each man and woman go after their dreams as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. A homosexual marriage in no way lessens anyone else's. Giving legal rights to people who help to maintain the infrastructure that creates those laws is fair. Don't deny someone their pursuit of happiness simply because you don't approve of their chosen lifestyle. Don't hold another person down because you think it lifts you up. In truth, when you are holding someone down, you can't be any higher than they are.

Finally, lets just all admit we're hopelessly, innately flawed, every one of us. That's the price we pay for enjoying the gift of life, to be lucky enough to watch a sunrise or enjoy a cool breeze, to laugh and smile and hope, to be blessed to relax in our homes while we watch our children chase sugar plum dreams.

Lets shake hands and agree that we're all way too human to judge each other or claim some ethical high ground. Let's acknowledge that we all chase the same ultimate prize and have the right to claim it if we're lucky enough to catch it:

To love. And be loved.

Monday, August 24, 2009

It’s all Greek to Me!

During my most recent “outing” with CU, I got to thinking (and yes it hurt) about how my two main passions in life can sometimes cross over into each other. While one teaches you how to be ill and injured, the other hopefully makes you better! Even my third passion in life can be interlinked here; normally because every council meeting makes my heartbeat race that little bit more!

Being in CU means that we get to help people like St. John, the Red Cross and Paramedics to train their members. I have on more than one occasion been handled (or mishandled in some cases!) by St. John members, I’ve also done my fair share of handling CU members myself; hopefully all successfully! Although the less said about the manhandling the better in my view, could get a girl in trouble if you ask me!

Anyways, as I’m sat here thinking about how I was treated during the course of the day; a few things sprang to mind about the whole experience. Normally when you are in an exam you have a certain way to act, both as casualty and indeed person doing the treating. There is a right and wrong way to do the treating so that you will pass, but in this case they had to talk to the examiner a lot.

This give me a great chance to sit back and take it all in, I was able to listen in and allow the paramedics to go through what I would assume would be their “check list.” But as the lovely young paramedic used words I won’t even try to repeat... (“Take the thingamajig and check her wotsits, and don’t forget her ugimaflip...”) I realised it all sounded pretty scary. Now to most normal people it would be scary anyways, but we all know I am not normal... I’ve been in St. John for far too long now!

I can clearly remember looking around the room in between being treated and seeing a scoop, spinal longbaord, FernoTrac and a TED... all of which make me feel like I have a nasty case of the “lergie!” When we do training at St. John we something get to use TED’s, KED’S, RED’s and Neil Robertson’s... I am sure somewhere in the back we also have FRED’s, NED’s and LED’s; I just hope that none of us need that little used (or indeed end up) DED in the cupboard which housed Napoleon! (Or Boney as I liked to call him!)

We can get COPD, MCADD & AAA; all of which can leave you feeling SAD, MAD and very BAD!! It all brings a whole new meaning to the saying; “I dunno what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce!” And all of which fills me with fear if I am honest with you, but then I am not the only one who gets a case of “worditis!” A fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, not knowing what someone is saying; or the worst by far... looking and feeling stupid and dumb!

It all led me to think about just how and why this all happened, some people call it “dumbing down;” while others call it speaking plain English... and then we have the trend that seems to be happening of late, making things sound more important than they actually are! And just what is a “Machine Minder” anyways? Since when did machines need minding?

And just what in the blue heck does an “Intranet & E-Services Officer” in the Police do? Will they be arresting PC’s and Laptops if they are seen to be breaking the law? Are we now all going to be safe from gangs of laptops roaming the streets late at night, from harassing law abiding citizens? Is it just me or does everyone seem to want to be called something else in their job titles? What happened to the good ol’ bin men? That’s right; they got turned into refuse operatives!

And of course it isn’t just medical stuff and job titles that big words are resigned too! Everywhere seems to do it now, even some of us “common folks” do it... our politicians are, without doubt some of the worst offenders though! With more than their fair share of long complicated words and “jargon” used to confuse, confound, baffle and bamboozle us voters!

Having sat in the last three Overview and Scrutiny meetings at our local council, trying to understand it all; I can conclude that I understood Jack Shitt... even when I was asked if I enjoyed the meeting, I had to lie and say yes! Of course I did enjoy them, but I never understood a thing! And that’s my point; I could not say that, I could not bring myself to say... “I didn’t understand a thing!” As far as I can tell, we are going to be getting housing just not how people want it... I think!

This politics thingy all seemed so much easier when I was sixteen I must admit; the thought of getting into that world at thirty two (when I am older and I have forgotten more than I ever actually knew!) seems actually quite scary! I am thankful to those people I can count of for help and advice, there are members of every party who are willing to help me understand when I need it; which I can assure is needed.

But it still does not detract from the fact big long words can scare people, especially if they are unwell or afraid. In my last “exercise” of the day, I was treated by a couple of paramedics who looked me well and dealt with my injuries also well... at least that’s what I think happened to me! For all I know they could have been talking about last night’s telly or what they had for tea! Of course they were talking about how best to deal with my trauma, I’m sure; thought what a dis BLS (or whatever the heck they said) means, is anyone’s guess!

Now don’t get me wrong, I think the English language is wonderful; where else can you find a million and one different ways to say I Love You, I Hate You or I Miss You? And who doesn’t love a politician who can blast the opposition out of the water with their clever words? It’s surprisingly good fun when you watch local councillors, play with their words to defend or attack their colleagues or opponents! (They shall remain nameless to protect their identities, but Robin Hood knows who he is; as does the big cuddly teddy bear at the back... but that one is just a rumour!)

Over the past few weeks before the summer break our LCR (see, even I do it!!! The Learning Rescore Centre ~ Library for short!!) at my college has been doing a “Word of the Day” where each day they have a different word, and its meaning; though some of them flummox me!

When all is said and done though, the English language can be both fun and scary at the same time. But as long as we don’t get our KED’s and TED’s mixed up with our COPD’s and MCADD’s, or flummoxed by our FESS’s (with thanks to a job advertised by the Red Cross in last Thursday’s Chron & Echo) then we should all be A OKAY!!!

When you think about it, it’s all Greek to me!

Now where did I put my walking dictionary?

Mr. Clarke & Mr. Dickie... a reply gentlemen!!!

Anyways, my point seems to have been lost. Yes Mr. Woods has broken the rules, yes he made an “error of judgement” etc. And as such that should and I am sure will be dealt with in the correct manner.

Yes he probably should have said sorry sooner, and maybe he should have just said he did not get round to sorting it out or whatever. He did not and shall have to live with it and deal with it in the best way that he can, that is the cross he shall have to bear.

My point is that everyone seems to be more interested in turning it into a political witch-hunt, with a lot of attention based upon back stabbing and focusing on the fact that he comes across as arrogant etc. (I’ll point your attention Tony to the conversation we had a few months back where you said, “Socially me & Tony Woods get on alright...”)

I agree that sometimes he can seem arrogant, hard to approach, cold and hard to talk too. Again, this is something he has to deal with; he will have to live with this when it matters most. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being “different” to everyone else; what kind of world would it be if we were?

If I had believed what others say about yourselves and other council members, then this conversation would not be taking place! Life is about making your own path, choices and decisions. Had I not done this I would have lost out on a good friend in you Tony, having seen you as a stubborn bully and (in some cases) nothing more than a mindless thug...

Had I believed what others said about you John, I would have missed out on someone I could spend hours talking to and someone I could learn a lot from; having only seen you as some scruffy useless muppet. (You know I mean that with affection right? Lol...) the point is, I made my own decision about you both; I chose to come talk to you both and am glad I did so.

I am glad that I have been able to make my own mind up as to where I want to be politically, it has not always been an easy choice to make; in truth, I still am not sure 100% if it has been the right one yet... I will have to live with that though; I am told that is what being an adult is all about... (Wait, I am an adult? When did that happen and how do I make it stop?)

While Mr. Woods may have made an “error of judgement” and that he should have sorted it out sooner etc. I cannot understand why there really does seem this need to assassinate his character as a human being, why does it have to have something to do with this matter?

Is that not making the matter something of a political hand grenade? If so, have you not just proved his point that the matter is politically motivated? Did you both not feel “victimised” when all that “stuff” with the Labour party kicked off? Surely you must know what it is like to be “witch hunted” by your political rivals?

Why does it always seem to be that one party needs to “score points” off the other? And as an independent Tony, would you not want to be the “better man” in all this and be different? I can understand it in national politics, I can even understand it in the council chamber to some extent... (And for the record, I stuck up for you when Woods had a go at you that meeting about being a 5th rate councillor!) But does it always have to be about a man’s (or woman for that matter) character? Whatever happened to if they could do the job or not?

These are, however just my non-political views for what they are worth; (not much I am sure) hope no offense was caused. In my own humble opinion, while he has done wrong and will be punished for it; his character as a man is something only he can (and someday) will have to deal with. Like all of us really, only we can chose to be who we are and who we want to be!