I feel so bloody useless.
You don’t realise just how much you rely upon your hands ~ and to a lesser extent; feet ~ until you lose the use of them. Okay so I know ~ well, hope it will only be temporary; but it is still a scary thing to have to face.
Especially when you are used to being the “strong” one. I am always the one they ask to help with the heavy shopping; I am always the one they go to when they have a tough jar or tin to open; now I just feel weak as a kitten!
As someone who uses their hands a lot, as a writer and within my St. John work; the prospects of not being able to do the things I love is overly hard for me to deal with.
Even things you take for granted every day like eating and going to the toilet, are problematic ~ do you know how hard it is to cut up a stake with the wrong hand? Or wash after you’ve been to the loo?
Usually this would not be a problem, I’d ask my folks to help me out and spend a few days resting it etc. but things are not normal at the minute are they? Nope, we have the cousin staying!!! I have realised that I really do NOT play well with others!! And if you add the stress to when I am not feeling too good; it all makes for a very nasty Nicky!
Now don’t get me wrong I love my cousin, I really do… I just cannot live with her! And I know that sounds bad too, it isn’t meant to. It is just that our house is so small and we are all in each others faces… well, that and the fact she is such a lazy mare!! And totally indecisive over everything, even chocolate bars!!!
I have struggled to get through these past six weeks, and in truth I have failed badly. Dad has the scars on his arm still to prove how angry I can get, I am sure the neighbours have gotten used to my “moments” but I doubt my cousin will… still didn’t make her want to run for the hills though.
I don’t want to be angry, petty or nasty; but I really have had the most awful trouble coping with it all. Which has been made all the worse because I am in pain with my hands, feet; and various others bits that need to be thrown in the bin!!!
Today is Monday 19th March; she has finally gone to another lady’s for a few days… she shall be back Friday when my Dad will tell her she has to be gone by the end of April… hopefully only staying with us Friday and Saturday. However, I am sceptical of this actually working; but then that is me ~ and I know that life has a way of biting you in the ass when you least need it too!!
Lord only knows I need this free time, let’s hope I can get some calm rest between now and Friday!