Saturday, January 24, 2009

Her Perfect Gentleman.

Too many years of heartache leave her hurting. He offers her kindness and friendship, not realising she will fall. A goodbye letter or a letter to say I love you? Fact or Fiction? You choose!

All characters and ideas are copyright to Nicky D Sarti 2009.

With an obvious passion the hero swept his beautiful girlfriend off her feet and carried her off into the sunset to live happily ever after… and this was my problem ~ fairytale happy endings. All well and good in the Land of Make Believe but in the real world things like that just did not happy, well not to me anyway! I was always, or so it seemed to me destined to be that crazy old lady who ended up living in the spooky house on the hill; surrounded by cats and smelling of pee!

It was something I had come to terms with somewhat, aware that my life would never be like that “in the movies.” Being honest I hated the idea that my life would end without anyone by my side, and I know it was slightly selfish of me to “want” all the time (what with a wonderful family and all) but my heart longed for a real honest love. The kind that was in the fairytales, the kind that would last forever and never let you down or make you cry. In short I wanted an old fashioned romantic gentleman that was a white Knight in shining armour.

For goodness knows how many years of my life I had these self same feelings of defeat, I was 24 years old before I found some form of love; and even then it was not necessarily the good kind. I admit that getting a crush on a married chairman of my local football club was probably not the best idea I had ever had, nor was the fact that I seemingly just could not get the picture that he was not interested in me. While my head (I think) and my friends all told me better, my heart seemingly told me that I was in love with this very wrong man. I felt things I had never felt before, believed that the guy I saw was the “real deal” and not the one others said he was.

I guess I thought that because he was so far out of my league he would somehow be better socially for me, not that I can honestly say I understand that. I wanted a guy that to be honest would have made me feel stupid, and this was the last thing that I needed. I would have always felt out of place and uncomfortable with him, and for my unconfident low self esteemed fragile heart it would not have been a good thing. After getting my heart totally torn apart and broken into little bits, I wisely made the choice to try move on with my life. I still haven’t got “closure” on that part of my life and doubt that I ever shall, but at least I am trying to move on!

And then at 31 years old I met you!!! Well that’s strictly not true; we had known each other for sometime through the football, but only spoke in passing. And then, after countless other problems in my life I called for help and you replied. You were so kind to me and empathetic to my plight, never rushing me and seemingly genuinely concerned in my problems. And of course that was where my problems started; actually to be honest it was the time after we met in town that was the problem!

I want to blame my bloody hormones or those damn wallpapered walls; hell I’ll even blame the dang gold covered bin if it helped me to understand. All I know is one moment you were just that nice ex MP that helped me out and the next I was thinking things that are probably illegal in 15 Countries, would quiet possible shock my mother (and you) and thinking how much I would like to bang your brains out… see I told you I should blame the damned gold bin! When I bumped into you later the same day it took all I had not to beg you to bang me senseless, which would have been satisfying but would have ruined our friendship!

I don’t know if it was one certain thing or if it was just a matter of time and our seemingly “getting closer” friendship. Whatever it was I found myself thinking about you more and more, not to mention feeling better about not just myself but also my situation; somehow young man you have managed to get through to me, I’m just not sure if it is because I fancy you so much… I am still reluctant to call it love, as in truth I could not say for certain it was/is. I mean how can I be falling in love or even in love with a person that I cannot be with. In truth I don’t even know you that well really do I?

But there are times when I feel that you are the love of my life, and yes I know that sounds daft; but it is true. You make me feel wanted with a compliment or nice word, you seemingly have the same type of morals and beliefs I have. You say the right things, and seemingly do the right things also. How could I not fall when you are so bloody, well; nice!?! And while we are at it, you have such stunning eyes; and yes they make me go all “gooey” when I look in them! You have a beautiful smile and a handsome face. It makes me smile when you call yourself old, there are 14 years between us and when I am with you I feel anything BUT old; I feel like I could actually do that running jumping thingy people do when they are in love!

So here’s my problem with life, you are making me feel things I had not prepared or planned for. You make me feel as though even if I DID fall for you, it would be okay; heck I feel that if I happened to TELL you it would still be okay! You are so nice, you make me believe in that fairytale happy ending I deeply want so much; I can almost see your armour shining each time we meet or talk! So here is the crux of the matter, what on earth do I do about this? I am not foolish (well maybe a little bit) enough to believe that I will actually ever get my fairytale happy ending with you...

But that does not make it any easier to stop or explain does it really; I mean it isn’t fair when the only guy you think can make you happy is the one that will, ultimately have to hurt you! Let’s be honest with each other, you are a truly nice guy and will seemingly stand for a fair amount; but even you will have a limit. Otherwise this is going to end up in a very different way isn’t it? Even you will end up getting pissed off with me and will end up (not matter how nicely) telling me to get lost, which will nevertheless hurt me! So as you can see, just leaving it is more than likely going to end up as a problem.

But then telling you I like you a lot more than I should also has more than a few problems of its own doesn’t it, I mean it isn’t like an easy conversation is it? It isn’t like I could just drop it into our conversations, even if I had the guts! Nice thing to talk about in front of your wife hey? And I won’t even attempt the “post on facebook” thing! It all seems to be a battle I cannot win, I would hate to embarrass you firstly; but also myself. Which again cuts down the times we can talk, phone calls or text messages are just tacky aren’t they? And I have been down the “letter” route, that didn’t really work out too well for me either! Besides, I think you deserve better than some faceless letter... she says as she types a “letter” to you!

But there is another way... I sound like flipping nationwide ad there don’t I? I am not sure I want to go down this line though; it is a big thing and something I have thought about before. When things have been seriously bad, it is something that has crossed my mind more than once and (even if just at that time) had seemed like a good idea. But (and it’s a big but) it also comes with its own problems, namely loosing everything so quickly. So in essence do I say nothing and risk the fact that it will (in most cases) get worse, (I’ll only end up falling more and making an ass of myself) say something and risk losing your friendship (and possibly hurting you) or walk away.

Admittedly walking away does seem a good option, but I will lose your safety net of friendship very quickly; which is why I am reluctant to walk away. Your friendship has without a shadow of a doubt been a Godsend to me, at times you have calmed me; and at others made me much happier about everything. I guess that is part of an on going problem isn’t it. I tend to attach myself to someone (and usually the wrong ones) and hate the thought of letting go! I am sorry, not for how I feel or our friendship, which I doubt I will ever regret. But I am sorry for, what my father calls being “clingy,” I know that it must be a burden to you; especially when I bug you so much... for that I am truly sorry.

After reading this back a few times I guess I have seemingly already made that choice, I know that it will only turn out to be a bad idea if I stay. I know that you will get annoyed of me and fed up, I’d like to go before it got to that; I hope it hasn’t got to that... I hope you will forgive me for doing things this way, at the time the “fictional story” about some girl and the perfect gentleman she wishes for seemed like the best option. I hope you won’t be too mad at me, and just in case you even thought about needing to ask; I am well aware that you are married. (So I can promise no declarations of undying love from me!)

In truth I would give everything I had for things to go back to normal when you were just some nice ex MP that I hardly noticed, but then I would still be in the depths of a mind numbing depression that would be too hard for me to fight alone and get out of. Before I forget, once again thank you for that; it really DOES (or should that be did?) mean the world to me. I guess all that I need now is a fitting ending right? Could be tricky seeing as I don’t believe I get that fairytale happy ending! And let’s be honest this isn’t exactly a fairytale is it now? If it was, maybe I would be running off into the sunset with my Knight in shining armour; but as you can see I am not...) so how about this?

There is this handsome young man who is just the sweetest, kindest, nice perfect gentlemen you could ever wish to meet. He is like a Knight in shining armour, more than willing to help out and always seemingly there. A man who gives you something to fight for, who fights for those that have lost their voices and makes you feel safe with just one hug. A man full of experience and valuable advice, but not above cracking a smile and joke with the best of them. Despite his protests, to me he will ALWAYS be young, alive and FULL of life; someone who can teach me so much without me even realising it.

There are a million reasons why he is the perfect guy, but seemingly only one why he cannot be my Knight in shining armour; and I guess that’s the hardest thing of all. To know you have to walk away is something that will break a fragile (already broken) heart, and while I know that “it” will hurt like heck; I also know that “it” will be okay, I am going to be stronger; thanks to...


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