Monday, January 26, 2009

A Dream About You?

I have this dream about you, well to be honest it is more about “us” rather than anything else; but I guess you already knew that right. I am not going to lie and tell you that you are the only man I have thought about in this way, nor am I going to tell you that you are the one; we both know that most of that would be false. I have too much respect for you to lie to you; I would never forgive myself if I were not one hundred per cent honest with you.

However, the one thing that seems to be different about my dreams is you! You seem to haunt them constantly, always present like an old faithful memory or guardian angel. But it is not just that though is it, I mean never before in my life have my dreams ever seemed so; well real. When I close my eyes, it is as if I can feel you standing there right in front of me. And maybe that is where all these problems are coming from, maybe this is why I cannot be around you too long anymore; maybe this is the reason we cannot do the friend thing.

Maybe I am afraid, yeah that is it; I am afraid. Afraid that you will see though me, through my act; afraid that you will read my feelings. You were always good at that; always able to see through the façade that is my life. All the times I spent trying to hide and you easily saw through it, and I would always wonder how you managed it. I guess I am afraid of the answers if I asked that question you always made me feel like I could ask, maybe I am better off not knowing.

You told me that I did not need to run or act, you taught me to look out for the simple things in life and that those trials in life would only make me stronger. But I am not as strong or as positive as you, I have been through too much to start believing that it will all be okay in the end. Not that I do not want things to be okay, I am tired of things not being okay. You gave me some belief that things would be okay, you must have known that your kind words would make me fall.

I spend many a match thinking about you, if I was being honest it is not just match days I think about you. You seem to be in my dreams and thoughts every single day, but whatever the case; your kindness makes me fall even more. So in honesty it is not that hard to see why this dream happened, I guess the only thing that is hard to understand; well for me anyway, is why it was not real. The thoughts and memories were so clear and so strong that I have no idea where reality starts and make believe ends, maybe this is the problem in the end; maybe this is why I must leave.

Blankly I stare at the letter in my hands, I must have done this for the past thirty minutes; but in all honesty it only seems like a few seconds. Everything in my mind is screaming at me to rip the letter up and walk away, most of my friends had already warned me of this; begging me to just let it drop. But as was always my way, I just needed to get closure on things; I could not just walk away. There would always be that little part of me that wondered; what if... and that part would always be the ruling factor in anything I did, I just knew it.

In my dreams I am sat at the same bar with the same letter in my hands, but as I close my eyes I know my dream is going to be different; it always is. In my mind you have always had feelings for me, but due to the being married bit and never knowing I felt the same; could never (or rather would never) say anything to me. In my dreams, somehow you become separated etc. Yes, I know that sucks and I know I am probably being hypocritical there; but I am not perfect... even in my dreams!

For some reason, either you have confronted me or I have decided to finally say something to you. I do not even remember how I tell you, let alone when I tell you; but all I know is that one minute I am struggling to tell you and the next you have kissed me! Okay I know it is daft, but I know that I am sat here blushing slightly as the thoughts of kissing you passes though my mind. I feel like a lovesick teenager with a schoolgirl crush as I think of your first tender touches, my mind enjoying the fact I know you will be a gentleman.

Despite the beard your lips are soft and tender, you kiss me slowly and gently; not wanting to force me but not wishing to stop either. From my point of view I feel like my hands are not doing the right thing, just there on the end of my arms; not really sure where to go. In your case I suspect that it is more the case of not wanting to be anything but a gentleman towards me, see even in my dreams you are the ever-thoughtful gentleman! Eventually though both our hands settle upon the other’s body, one of my hands in the back of your hair and the other would be softly stroking your cheek.

You would have your hands on my waist, slowly pulling me closer to you; not caring that we are in a packed bar on a Saturday night or that our colleagues have been struck into silence. Your hands would softly caress my sides, alerting me to the fact you did not want to stop; of course I would not stop you... I was; am in love with you, why would I want to stop you? Finally after what seems like forever we break away, instantly I know you are feeling the passion and arousal; much the same as I myself am feeling. To this day I will never understand how I can actually taste your kisses, maybe it is because I have been close to kissing your lips... whatever the reason I do not know if I will ever experience anything so emotional in my life.

Within seconds of our lips parting I am feeling like a lovesick teenager once more, but this time I know you are feeling the same. Neither of us really talking just grinning like the cat that got the cream, standing there in silence and not realising that our colleagues and most the bar are now watching us intently. Suddenly we can feel their eyes upon us and much like me you begin to feel a little embarrassed by it all, there is a look in your eyes that I quickly understand. And taking my hand in yours and we quickly head out of the bar and to your car, in the clubs car park.

The second we leave the bar we are laughing, this becomes even louder as we soon realise that the rain; which was only spitting before is now falling heavily. Even though your car is nearby we get soaked and are soon almost in fits of laughter as we reach the comfort of your dry car, sliding into the back seat almost without thinking. Even though we are attracted to each other, I know that I do not have to worry about you being a gentleman in the back seat. Besides we are too busy laughing to actually notice where we are, by the time we have we are already in a more than slightly intimate position; with our arms around each other and our lips so close I can still taste you.

As I toy with my drink I am almost unaware of everything else in the bar, enjoying where my dreams take me too much. I do not notice the “scuffle” that is taking place across the bar from me and I do not see you walking into the bar either, the only thing I am acutely aware of is the letter in my hands still. As my dream takes me where it will I continue to blankly stare at the letter in my hands, almost unaware that you have smiled at me; but strangely though I have seemingly smiled back. As you head for my side the kerfuffle seems to sweep you along with it, which is the moment I become aware of you fully; leaving my dreams behind for a moment or two. As I begin to watch you I notice things I would not have normally seen.

As you play peacemaker I cannot help smile at your calming nature, you are such a gentleman that it would be only a matter of time before I fall for you. There are a couple and the guy was seemingly getting rather abusive towards his female companion, I can see that you are intent on defending her honour and will not allow her to be bullied or pushed around. I watch as you do the “calm down” gesture to the guy and smile towards the woman, there are other staff around and they take your lead and help to calm things down. As you all talk, my mind takes me back to my dreams; thankful that I have a few moments to still enjoy them.

There is a moment between us in the back of your car that neither of us could mistake; there is a softness in your eyes and smile that says all we need to say. Softly you caress my cheek, pulling me close softly as we kiss once more. The passion is hard to deny as the moment takes us where it will, neither of us seem sure about where we will end up; just that it will never be wrong. Even though the passion between us is on a high, I know that there is no pressure upon me to spend the night with you. I guess that is one of the things I love about you, I never feel like I HAVE TO do anything with you.

“Hey Nicky, are you okay?” Your words bring me from my dream, although I may want to continue with it I am glad you are there. Smiling back, I nod and tell you I am fine. I somehow manage to hold a fairly decent conversation with you, talking as if we have known each other for years instead of the six or so months we have done. While we are talking I never think about you in that way, not sure why; maybe I do actually want to talk with you! However, as soon as there is a decent amount (just what IS a decent amount anyway) of silence between us; my mind wanders very quickly back to my dream.

Very quickly I find myself in the backseat of your car once more and again we are passionately kissing, the image of it is so strong and powerful I am certainly you can read my mind; and as I blush deeply I know that it will not be long before you find me out. I can feel your tender touch on my thighs and then on my waist, I can feel the softness of your beard as your lips send my emotions spiralling almost out of control. The strength of these feelings are almost as if you were actually doing them to me, it was so clear that I had to secretly pinch myself to make sure it was a dream. I knew I should speak and try to clear my mind, but truth was that it felt just too good to stop thinking about you.

I must have been blushing so much that as soon as you had noticed I could sense the change in you and your smile, you are now studying me so intently I can feel your eyes upon me; if I did not know you better I would have said undressing me with those sexy blue eyes. But of course I do know better, I know that in reality my dreams can never come to light; and I guess that is what ultimately made my mind up to go. In my dreams you have pulled back for a moment and are softly caressing my cheek, your eyes intently looking deep into my own. In reality you have been watching me intently, you had already noticed the letter in my hands and how I cannot stop toying with it.

“My pretty Angel…” You softly whisper, it sounds so real to me; almost as if you have spoken to me in reality. And this is where my reality and dreams seem to blur together, for a split second I can only stare blankly at you; saying nothing that will give me away. But the one thing I am aware of is that you have taken the letter from me and being to read its contents, within seconds the thoughts that have haunted me so long come flooding back to me.

“Please…” Is all I can say, though truth be told I have no idea what I am actually asking you to do. With one soft smile I know that it is alright, I suddenly feel a calmness washing over me; nodding I turn my attention back to my thoughts.

Although I am in the back seat of your car and staring into your eyes my mind places me somewhere altogether different, we are stood in the Guildhall; in front of our family and friends about to pledge our eternal love for one another. Thoughts of our first night flash though my mind, it was warm loving and passionate to say the least. Pictures of the first time we met each others families are joined by the first time I went to the football with you as your partner, I can still see the look upon Stonhill’s face as I walked into the room on your arm; it was as if he was jealous and regretful that he let me go.

I can see the many nights we had laughed in my mind, how you called me every day and never once let me go without a loving hug and kiss every time we had to go anywhere. I can see our first Christmas together and how you made it the best time ever, even your first gift to me has me almost in tears; you always said it was nothing but it meant everything to me. But as my mind has me stood waiting to marry the man of my dreams my mind is still focusing upon the moment you asked me to marry you, as I would have expected it; you made it perfect.

We had been seeing each other for six months and in your mind it was six months too long, you would always say you knew you wanted to marry me the first moment you laid eyes upon me; in truth I would have married you then if you had asked. You had invited me to the clubs Christmas do, held at Fawsley Hall in Daventry. It was not our first night away together but it was certainly one of the most important, it was our first time away with the club as a couple. I knew right from the moment we stepped out of the car that you had something in mind, it was as if you were mentally taking note of everything; making sure it was what you wanted.

For a split second I hear you sigh out loud deeply, making me all too well aware that you had understood my letter. As my mind is brought abruptly from my dream back to reality I can tell by the look in your eye that you are torn, I know you want to be the nice kind gentleman that I respect you for; but I also know you have no choice but to tell me to leave you alone.

“Nicky…” Is all you can say as you sigh deeply, looking away for a moment as I lower my head; not wanting to see my already sealed fate coming true. I know that if I stay much longer my tears will start to fall, I also know I will not be able to stop them from falling. I want to think about my dream, I want to pretend like everything is alright and you are with me; of course I know this is far from the actual truth.

My heart is already breaking as I hear you sigh deeply again, I know that it will not hold out for much longer. So I take the best course of action I can and run, mumbling some sort of apology I rush for the exit; no looking back as my tears begin to fall. I never thought I would be going though this pain again, I always thought I would have learnt with the Stonhill thing; but of course the moment I began to think about you in that way I knew this was on the cards. I had only just got outside and round the corner before my tears began to flow thick and fast, sinking to my knees I never saw you stood there watching me; the only time I was aware was when your arms pulled me close into that solid frame of yours. Instantly you felt my body tighten with fear, and almost as instantly you soothed my fears away; softly stroking my hair and shushing my tears.

“It’s okay sweetheart, its okay…” You softly say, seemingly not wanting to let go of me. There is a comfortable silence between us that I was not prepared for, I was not planning on you being so; well nice! But in truth that was all you wasn’t it? That is the one thing more than anything else that I loved about you, you were ~ are such a nice guy. Trust you to be so bloody nice about me falling for you! I thought to myself, trying not to snort out loud as I tried to keep my laughing inside. I was torn inside, part of me wanting to talk about things but part of me just wanting to stay like this and get back to my dreams.

When the silence continued, I assumed you had given me the choice to talk or not; so talking the opportunity handed to me I settled down further into your arms and went back into my dreams for as long as I could. Your eyes say so much as we continue to just look into each other’s eyes, but I can tell that your mind is somewhere lost in a dream; just like my own. My mind takes me back to the first night of the party, we had dance and laughed all night; neither wanting that night to ever end. I could tell that you had something on your mind as each time I made a move to head back to our room you found an excuse to wait a little while, at first I assumed it was nerves on your part; until the moment you asked I had no idea you were about to ask me to marry you.

After what seemed like the fiftieth time of trying to go back to our room, I had to say something to you. It was expected and I should have known by the look in your eyes what you were planning, as you watched me launch into this speech I was not prepared to give you would be trying not to burst out laughing.

“... so come on, out with it; what’s the matter?” I say as I watch you give up all hope and begin to laugh uncontrollably, holding you sides as you see my face change.

“What is it, what’s so funny?” I ask, almost pleading with you to let me in on your secret. I see you take a deep breath, as if you were planning what to say; then looking into my eyes you sigh and speak.

“Marry me please? I love you.” Although I am shocked, I can tell by the look in your eye that you are serious.

Within moments I too have joined in your laughter, holding my sides to ease the stitch I know is about to form. I want to tease you back but the look in your eyes makes that impossible, smiling softly I turn and head back to our room; you must know my answer is certain to be yes as you follow without question. Within seconds of the door closing to our room your lips were upon mine in the most passionate of kisses, the kisses seemed to not only blend into one another but also astound me. I am not sure if your kisses were to convince me or because you thought I may say no, (can’t say no if your mouth is full can you) but whatever the reason I am so taken away by them that I can literality feel my legs giving way underneath me.

In my mind I can see the night progressing, your soft tender touch slowly creating a whirlwind of emotions that I would never be able to deny. Your kisses delighting me and awakening something in me I thought had long since died; it was something that would stay with me forever and in reality too! I would always be totally overwhelmed by the very real dream like emotions of that night, they would be that much stronger than any other I had or will ever experience in my life.

“Yes by the way Tony, the answer is yes!” I finally manage to say as you are poised to enter me and make my possession complete, smiling there is no need for any further words as you slowly fill me to the hilt; loving where these moments are taking us.

“Nicky... are you okay sweetheart?” Your voice is soft warm and tender, I can tell instantly that your words are genuine. I pull back slightly allowing my head to leave the safe confines of your chest, all I can do is shrug my shoulders. I want to say something; anything but I know the words will not come out, I try but they get stuck in the back of my throat. In a moment of sheer clarity, my dreams become my reality; as you gently take my face into your big strong hands.

“It is okay sweetheart, I know... I have always known.” Was all I needed to hear from you, your ever-soothing voice quelling a fear I never saw until it had gone.

One moment I am trying not to cry, the next my soul is being soothed by your soft touch on my cheeks. Without another word you quickly but gently move forward and close the gap between our lips, after a seconds hesitation your lips claim my own in the most tender of kisses. It does not take me long to get lost in the moment and kiss you back, there is a longing desire in your kiss that even I am aware of. Our passionate moment seems to last forever, your hands softly caressing my waist as you pull me gently closer to you. I am almost clinging to you as one of my hands is gripping onto the lapel of your jacket, while my other hand is softly stroking your cheek.

In my mind I am torn between thinking about your kisses and my dream, reality now completely blurred with fantasy. In my dream we are tenderly making love, wrapt in each other’s love and passion. Our bodies are entwined, the passion we are experiencing is taking my breath away. In reality your kisses are setting my soul on fire, making me more than a little aware that you do not want to stop. In my dream we have both reached the point of no return, as you move quicker inside of me now; I wrap my quivering body to yours tighter. As we come together in an explosion of emotions I call out your name, hearing you do the same as you tell me you love me.

As the realness of your words hit me I begin to cry, not because you have hurt me but because I never thought anyone could love me as much. In reality I had no idea that my tears had begun to fall again, the first real clue I have is when you pull away suddenly; looking at me with concern. For a moment I am unaware, as well as confused by the blurred lines of reality and fantasy.

“Sweetheart?” Is all you need to say as I softly smile and go to wipe my tears, stopping me you dry my tears as you softly caress my cheeks.

“I.. I… I love you!” I finally manage to say, still not one hundred per cent sure if I am doing let alone saying the right thing. But as you softly smile and pull me closer into your tender embrace, any fears I have all disappear.

“I know, I have always known sweetheart.” You begin to say as I bury my head into your chest, allowing my tears to soak through your shirt.

“Baby girl, the feelings are more than mutual...” You continue to say, feeling my body stiffen in your arms; you know your next words need to be clear.

“I love you Nicky, I have done for a long time...” You say softly, tenderly kissing the top of my head; praying that I will relax into your arms.

“Tony?” Is all I can say as I lift my head slightly, trying to understand what you have just told me.

Softly caressing my cheek you sigh deeply, looking into my eyes as you smile. There is a look in them that tells me you mean what you say, there is something in them that says I need not be scared anymore. I can tell you want to say something, but when it doesn’t come I begin to wonder if telling you how I felt was a good idea. Within seconds any fear that may have been coming back is quickly put to rest as you kiss me once more, this time there is a hunger and desire even I am aware of; I know that you want me as much as I want you.

“What do you think Nicky?” Staring at Pete and Trisha blankly for a few moments I realise I have just missed pretty much the first half of the football, forty five minutes of a match that was; if the score line was anything to go by, exciting... and I missed it.

“Huh?” I manage to say, as I try to clear my head and find something; anything to take my mind off you.

“I said what do you think about helping me with this web article, what’s wrong with you?” Pete said he smiled, seemingly aware that my mind had been elsewhere.

“Erm, yeah sure thing...” I say, trying not to blush; thankful that you are not there to make things worse.

“I am sure that your Director friends could help you out too, what do you think Mr. Clarke?” Pete said, looking past me and not seeing how my jaw dropped; oh how I wish the ground would open up wide and swallow me whole! I am afraid to turn round and face you, I know that the moment I do you will see my desire through my eyes; I was not sure if I was ready for that yet.

“I would be only too happy to help; Nicky knows I would do anything for her...” Your honest words warm my soul as I slowly turn to face you, trying to smile. All my mind can think about is how not to break the seemingly collected exterior I have, while my heart is seemingly doing cartwheels and somersaults inside of me.

What happens, in reality takes only a few moments; but seems to take a lifetime for me. The second I catch your smiling eyes, I know that you can see through my act. As your eyes study me I can tell by the change in your own eyes that you have understood, and in that split second I know my fate is already sealed; I know that I have no other choice left open to me now but to run. And just as I am about to turn away and accept that my life is over, you do something that is not only strange but also very out of character.

You wink at me as you begin to explain just why you would do anything for me, not only shocking anyone that would listen but also myself.

“Nicky knows how much I think of her, don’t you sweetheart?” As I sort of try and answer, you can tell by my struggling that you should continue.

“You must know by now that I love you Nicky?” You said matter-of-factly, as if it was no big deal. Had I had a drink in my hands, it would now be all over the floor. Pretty much like my, and those around us jaws were.

I had to pinch myself to check to see if I was dreaming again, when I realised I was not all I could do was stand there and stare blankly at you; it was all so surreal and like something out of a film. My heart wanted this all to be true, but of course I knew inside this was not going to happen; after all I never got that fairytale happy ending did I... In honesty all I could really do for the next forty plus minutes of the match was stare blankly at you, you were talking away about how you felt about me. But in all honesty I never heard a word of it, I was not even thinking about being with you. I was just speechless I guess, seemingly too shocked to think straight.

Before too long there is a loud buzzing noise ringing very close to my ear, part of me is thankful for some normality. But by far the bigger part of me is pissed off good and proper, and; as if I needed reminding, very frustrated... sighing deeply, I yawn and stretch as I try to wake myself up; not that I really wish too of course. I would much rather be back in my dream fantasyland, where my life is how I want it to be; not how it really actually is! With the constant ringing in my ears I throw the alarm clock over to the other side of the room with force, more than a little aware that I am probably about to have the day from hell. And as soon as I have read my text, I know it will be the day from hell.

My two best friends almost demanding I meet them after I had been to college, it was not that I did not want to see my friends; but the fact that for the past three months they have not been around had kinda pissed me off. My day is pretty normal considering all that my overactive imagination had been through, which is why when you called me toady I was not prepared and my defences down. Before I even realised it I was already walking into the bar looking for you, and there you were; larger than life holding a conversation with me. And try as I might I am torn between telling you I love you and just leaving it, of course I cannot tell you this can I? This has to stay in my mind, as part of my dream; after all a dream of you is a good thing to keep hold of.

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