Saturday, February 14, 2009


You excite me; ignite a passion in me that I thought had long since died.

You are infectious; I am unable to break this spell you have cast over me.

You allow me to feel alive when I really should not, maybe that is the problem?

I feel like I belong, like I have found the one to make my life complete.

But with these feelings comes confusion, a questioning and longing.

My broken weak feeble heart longs for a love of my own, a true love that will never hurt me and always stay.

You make me believe in the impossible, a fairytale happy ending that I know I will never be able to experience in reality.

I want to run and hide, I want to scream and shout that life is so bloody unfair.

But what would be the point in that? No one would ever listen anyway!

Blaming me for something that maybe I cannot control.

I know I am too broken to be fixed anyway, so why would you (or anyone for that matter) wish to stay around me?

I am too screwed up, have too much baggage ~ how can I expect anyone to stay let alone love me?

I know you are different, the way you have treated me so far alerts me to that fact.

But even you would be unable to fix this, what would you ever see in me anyway?

Yes I know I am nice and kind with a big heart, but it still will not change things would it?

Maybe I am not nice enough or maybe I am just too nice, whatever the reason I know I will never find that “peace” within me I need so much.

Maybe it is me that needs to fix it, I suspect that it is.

But how can I fix something I am unable to get closure on? I’m having a hard enough time with a nice guy like you, I have no hope with someone like “HIM” would I now?

There are way too many things I wish that I could change, fix, say and indeed do; but I guess I am not the only one am I?

Who do I talk to when I need help like this, can’t talk to family and friends are not always the best help!

And there is no way I can talk with you about this is there? That would be one hell of an interesting conversation wouldn’t it?

I am reluctant to talk with Dr’s and what have you, I guess I am scared they’ll confirm that I really am nuts!

Maybe I just need the strength to finally run away; I know that should say “fight” but I have never been good at fighting have I? It always seems easier to run away doesn’t it?

Perhaps it is going to take me breaking down completely before I finally “deal with it…” Maybe I’ll be stronger in the long run… if I ever get that far of course!

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