Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Manifesto of the Once and Future King...

Seeing as I am to be the Royal Ambassador to England I wanted to post this, a wonderful piece by Mike again; see it can't JUST be me now can it?

So, Mike; where do we start boss?

The Manifesto of Mike McLarty (If I Was Emperor)

There seems to be a lot of confusion as to my political stances and various viewpoints. In order to clarify my positions, I present you with this document which, hopefully, states in plain language what I would do were I to become Emperor for Life of the United Sates.


1) The U.N. Is pointless. I' will withdraw us immediately and give the rest of the world six months to find another location to hold their meetings. On the first day after the six months has expired any foreigners who are not citizens of a country on my Allies List (see below) will be loaded onto a plane (coach) and sent home.

2) Allies List. You're either with us or against us. It's fine if you want to stay in the United Nations, I don't care. But if you want any aid, be it humanitarian, financial or military, you'd better be on my side. What does that mean? It means that if we get attacked, your soldiers better be willing to shed their blood along with mine. If you get attacked, we're going to make the same sacrifice. We can use your airspace, you can use ours.
Deny us any of these rights, don't back our plays, and you're off the list.
If you're not on this list, you're not getting one penny from my Imperial Coffers, let alone a single bullet shot in your defense or a single band aid to cover up your boo-boos.
At current, the Allies List would be made up of the following: Israel, Australia, Japan, South Korea, and Western Europe. Want on the list? Work for it. Prove to me that you're on my side.

3) Trade. All trade has to be on a dollar-for-dollar basis. You send us one of your products, we do the same. Don't like that? Sell your stuff to someone else. My country can make what it needs, been doing it for a long time.

4) Iran. Iran is free to build all the nuclear weapons they want. They'd better have some of them pointed at us as well, because the second they attack an ally of ours the entire country is being nuked into oblivion. There will not be one Iranian left standing, I assure you.

5) South Korea. It's about time you handled your Northern brother by yourself. Good luck, my troops are withdrawing.

6) The rest of the world: Good luck also. The United States will no longer be sending you aid. I got people right here in the United States who need health care, superior schools, nutritious meals: basically all the things we are currently providing you with and denying our own citizens.
On the plus side, we will no longer be meddling in your affairs. Kill each other, commit atrocities, try to break the genocide body count record, whatever. As long as you're not attacking us or an ally, I don't care.

7) If we DO go to war with you, here is what you can expect: I will have no mercy. I will order my troops to kill every man, woman, child, dog, cat, chicken, goat, etc. that they come across. We will destroy you. We will demoralize your (remaining) citizenry, we will lay waste to your infrastructure, we will steal, blow up or burn your natural resources. We will use any and all means to insure that the least amount of American lives are lost as possible.
We will NOT, however, step in and rebuild your country once the war is over. YOU are going to have to pick up the pieces. Good luck, and don't piss me off again.
I will wage such draconian, ruthless wars not because I revel in bloodshed but because I love peace. War is evil. War destroys lives. I will make the price for waging war against me so terrible that no sane leader will even consider it, and the insane leaders will be overthrown by a justifiably terrified populace.
Note: Even if they aren't your soldiers, terrorists or bombs, if you aided our enemies in any way, you are just as guilty as they are in my opinion. Choose your friends wisely.

8) Assassination and torture: Unless you're an American citizen, all for it. My Benevolence, and that of the Constitution, applies only to American citizens.


1) Gays. Gays will have the same rights as anyone else. I don't care who you sleep with. What I do care about is that you pay taxes, don't break the law, and obey the social contract. Do those three things, and you are protected by law, and have the same rights as anyone else, no matter your sexual preference, religion, race, gender, etc. Everyone gets the same shot at the American Dream, and everyone has the same obligations. Hate Laws? Gone. Affirmative Action? Gone. From here on out, my good citizens, you will all truly be treated as equals, and rise or fall on your own.

2) Taxes. Everyone will pay what they pay now with one exception: Any money after the first ten million will be taxed at 50%. If you can't live well on that amount of money, then you need to readjust your luxuries. Tax laws are complicated and nuanced, I know. I'm going to hire the smartest guys I can find to make sure that everyone pays their fair share.

3) Freedom of speech: You still have the right to protest my benevolent rule and burn me in effigy. I expect it and, in many ways, demand it. You need to question me so that I question myself. You need to make your voice heard. What you CANNOT do is support terrorists, internal or external. It's all fine and good to say the United States is the Great Satan if you believe that. If I find you have sent one penny to Al Qaeda, though, I'm deporting you and your entire family. If I find you are planning to commit illegal acts on my soil, you will be scooped up and tried by military tribunal.

4) Illegal Immigrants. There is a process for becoming an American Citizen, and I encourage foreigners who want to live here to use it. Really, they're going to have to. On the first day of my Glorious Emperorship we will begin work on a twenty foot wall around our borders. Don't tell me it can't be done: the Chinese did it thousands of years ago, and they didn't even have a Lowes or Home Depot to get the materials from.
At every 50 feet a motion detecting machine gun will be placed. For the next ten miles behind the wall will be land mines. A few miles beyond the mines will be soldiers roaming around in jeeps ordered to shoot to kill.
If you can make it past all that, then you have the type of determination and moxie I like to see in one of my subjects. Welcome to America!
To further help discourage people from coming here, if you employ an illegal, your business license is automatically forfeit. You can't apply for another one for ten years.
All cargo coming into the United States of Mike will be done via approved transporters. If we find illegals in your cargo containers, you can no longer do business with us. Make sure there are no illegals in your cargo containers.

5) Drugs: Prohibition doesn't work. All drugs will be legal, taxed, and regulated just like booze. Weed, cocaine, meth, oxycontin, etc. will be sold at government run stores at prices that the gangs simply can't compete with. When you buy a drug, you'll be placed on a list. We will know who is using what. If you're buying stuff that will really mess you up, don't let my Not-So-Secret-Police catch you behind the wheel of a car.
Of course many people will die of overdose within the first few years. They were most likely going to die anyhow. Hopefully their deaths will be more of a deterrent than 'Just Say No'. In the meantime, we can use the freed prison space to make sure that violent offenders serve their full sentences instead of being released early because of working Joes caught with dime bags.

6) Prostitution: Legal. Sex workers will be required to have weekly check ups and use protection when engaging in their trade.

7) Guns: To own a gun you have to complete a gun safety class. Other than that, no restrictions. Carry it under your jacket, carry it on your hip. As long as you aren't a former felon, pack some heat. An armed society is a polite society.

8) Child Molesters, Child Killers and Rapists: If the evidence is overwhelmingly conclusive (confession plus DNA, multiple winesses, etc.) you get one appeal. The appeal must be made within the first three months of sentencing. If that appeal is rejected, you go to 'Thunderdome' (see below) or receive a bullet in the back of the head. Your victim decides which.

9) 'Thunder Dome': If you have broken the social contract through murder, rape, molestation, or any other violent offense, and are found guilty, you may be starring in 'Thunderdome'. 'Thunderdome will be pay-per-view, with all profits going to the upkeep of our prisons. In each episode, prisoners will fight to the death, with the winner getting perhaps a color TV for his or her cell, maybe a mini-fridge, a porno mag; the prizes will vary. We'll find sponsors to rake in even more dough.
The losers, conversely, are no longer a drain on our taxes.
Who goes to 'Thunderdome'? I decide. I trust my judgment. Murdered a bunch of kids? Oh yeah. Shot your spouse after a decade of physical abuse? Probably not.
I am as benevolent and merciful as I am wrathful. Do not incur my vengeance.

10) Health Care: Everyone gets health care. Yeah, it's expensive. But we're a moral country led by a moral Emperor, and it's worth the investment for our moral citizens.

11) Schools: We must have the best schools on the planet. A minimum wage for teachers will be instituted and start at 75K a year, adjusted for cost of living every year. If we don't invest in the future generations then we simply have no future as a country. A minimum wage of similar means will be instituted for our police officers as well.

12) Veterans: Never again will there be such an entity as a 'homeless vet'. If you served this country, you'll receive public housing, utilities, and three meals a day if nothing else. You'll get excellent medical care for life. My advisors, (formerly known as 'Congress') will have to attend the same health care facilities as our veterans, thus making sure only the best take care of our current and former military.

13) Abortion: Not everyone will like my call on this, but I am Emperor after all. Abortion will be illegal except in cases of rape, incest, or medical necessity. The adoption process will be improved and streamlined. Pregnant girls will receive the utmost care and continue their schooling while pregnant.

14) Pennies: Gone. Round up to the nearest nickel.

15) National Anthem: Will rotate each month, with a call-in phone poll deciding which song will be the anthem for that month. To start if off, though, we're using 'Kashmir' by Led Zeppelin.

16) Bailouts: No more. Make products that Americans and the world will buy, or fail. If you're failing, your either incompetent or not selling the right products/services. Someone will come along who will do it right if you can't/won't.

17) Job Outsourcing: If you're a business, it's certainly your right to outsource jobs to foreign countries. I am going to tax the living hell out of you, though. I will make it to where it makes even more sense to keep the jobs here. Instead of going for the quick buck, which in turn destroys American families and dreams, you're going to either have to relocate to another country entirely or learn how to be competitive in a global marketplace.

18) Welfare. If you can work, I expect you to work to the best of your ability. If you refuse to work, and there are some who would simply rather exist than thrive, expect a bare bones life. We'll feed your kids, provide them shelter, and since you come along with the package we have to do the same for you. But it's not going to be comfortable. Don't even think about cable TV or a telephone. Owning a car? Forget it. If you can afford a car, you're working albeit off the books. I'll seize that car and sell it. Same goes for your giant, big screen TV. Get used to the bus and reading. If you don't like living that way, well, get a job...

19) Social Security: Gone. It's a Ponzi Scheme we can't afford. Instead, we are going to make sure that no one is homeless, hungry, or in need of medical care. If you've set your ducks up in a row and have financial independence, all the better for you. For those of you who haven't, or have had some bad luck, we'll take care of you.

20) Oil Dependence: We will be weaned off of oil within the first 20 years of my Glorious Rule. In year one, 5% of all cars coming off the assembly line will have to be electric. In year two, 10%. Year three, 15%, etc.

I realize this Imperial Manifesto isn't perfect, because I'm not perfect. It'll have to be tweaked, adjusted. Some parts will be expanded, other negated. Whole new laws will have to be created, and you'll have to make some sacrifices, as well as cultural adjustments, at the start of my rule.
I think my plan makes sense, though. I think it makes more sense than what we have now, in any event. If you got better ideas, I'll listen to them. I will be Emperor, but still a man. And man is prone to failure and mistake. With your help, as well as the advice from the brightest minds I can surround myself with, we'll create a country that works.

All Hail Me.

Your Future Glorious Leader,

Michael G. McLarty

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